So few of us are taught how to communicate effectively and with respect. Couples in particular, deep in the parenting trenches where emotions run high are likely to say things they regret. Here’s the remedy, a five step communication strategy from Terry Real. Listen and watch the first clip which outlines the process.

This clip illustrates a very common marital argument where no holes are barred.

Now let’s watch Lisa and Laura work on this same conflict using the five steps for healthy communication:

The speaker follows these steps. The listener’s job is to be curious, quiet and non defensive. You will have your turn later.

1. Ask permission to speak.

2. State what happened objectively, as if a camera caught it on tape.

3. List the emotions you felt.

4. Now describe your interpretation using the sentence, “And what I made up about that is….”

5. Ask for what you would prefer in the future.

The listener now responds:

1. Own up to whatever part of the complaint you have actually done.

2. Apologize for what you feel sorry about.

3. Reassure your partner that you will take steps to change that behavior.

Now the former listener gets to be the speaker. She gets the chance to voice her complaints and reactions, but in a similarly respectful way. Using these guidelines may initially feel awkward and forced but with time the tenor of your arguing moves from damaging to productive.