This post from Straight Talk On Relationships reminds us that our tone and general attitude toward our partner influences the relationship greatly. Often times what we think is ‘all in good fun’, really puts a rift in the communication.

THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS

The New York Times article, For Some Parents Shouting is the New Spanking, by Hillary Stout,  bravely shines the light on a slightly taboo topic. In many parenting circles, spanking is a discipline tool of the past.Whether or not parents actually resort to spanking is another story.

When it comes to screaming, however, it often seems accepted as a matter of course. Everyone  has a reflexive, knee jerk stance based on family of origin. If you came from a family of screamers, yelling might feel completely normal. Many people feel it is an ethnic rite or genetically encoded behavior. Others remember their parents yelling and screaming and the fear that it engendered. These parents do a yeoman’s job of controlling their tempers, but nevertheless find themselves overtaken by fury and frustration at times. Some grew up with simmering issues but no communication, so “letting it all out” can feel like a healthier way.

The problem is that yelling and screaming can feel so damn good while you are doing it. You feel powerful, like you are someone to be reckoned with, self-righteous and entitled.  After all, what human being can cope with the amount of badgering, whining, and defiance that kids dish out. In actuality, the desire to yell actually comes from the opposite place: a place of helplessness, feeling overburdened and incompetent. Screaming and yelling bring false empowerment. True power is when parents control themselves, for example, putting their child in their room without yelling or ranting or being able to take away privileges in a three word sentence like “No TV tomorrow!!”

Unfortunately, the nature of children and the culture we live in has the deck stacked against parents. Kids need repeated reminders, often years of reminders to do things like saying please and thank you, coming to the dinner table and not smashing their siblings. Our culture is all about getting what you want by taking no prisoners.  Given those forces, staying respectful calls for a kind of determination, focus and self control that seems only a zen master could muster. The good news is that self control can be learned. Start with this rule. Screaming, name calling, ranting and shaming is NOT ALLOWED. It is a boundary violation and something to avoid. Remember, it is not our right as a parent.

Since most people are not zen masters, realistically you probabaly will yell or scream when you are in your most helpless and overwhelmed state. Treat it as if you had hit your child. After you calm down, apologize. Remind them that it wasn’t OK, and that you are really focused on learning to control that behavior, just like they are.

This is fabulous way to talk to your teens or even tweens about the rules of healthy relationships.

The Relationship Bill of Rights

by Annie Fox, M.Ed

1.    It’s your right to have feelings for anyone you choose. Your friends may have opinions worth listening to, but who you’re friends with or who you love is your choice.
2.    You have the right to express your feelings or to keep them to yourself. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean you have to tell anyone or do anything about it.
3.    You have the right to feel safe. It’s important to feel physically and emotionally safe at all times when you’re with another person. If you don’t, speak up and/or get out of the situation ASAP.
4.    You have the right to be treated with respect. You deserve the chance to express your thoughts and feelings without fear. You have the right to be listened to by the other person. And what you have to say should be respected.
5.    You have the right to your own time (without being guilt-tripped). You can spend all the time you like away from the other person—whether that’s to hang out with other friends, be with family, or do something on your own.
6.    You have the right to say no. It’s your body and no one should pressure you when it comes to getting physical. It’s also your right to say no to alcohol or drugs. If the other person ignores your “no” then they’re disrespecting you. (See #4)
7.    You have the right to open, honest communication, If something’s going on in the relationship, you and the other person need to talk about it.
8.    You have the right to end a relationship. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are. If you want out, get out. You don’t have to justify or explain how you feel to anyone.

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens. http://anniefox.com
Read excerpts from her books: Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.
Download (free) her entire Teen Survival Guide to Dating & Relating, http://teensurvivalguide.com
Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of SuccessfulParenting”

Soho Parenting is mentioned in today’s New York Times article “How to Speak Nanny” by Hilary Stout.  Yay!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/18/garden/18letters-NANNYSTORIES_LETTERS.html?ref=garden

The dreaded “D” word.  Parents worry so much about talking to their children about death. We as a culture are so death phobic, we like to pretend it only happens to other people. Ben Franklin said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Maybe some people can get out of taxes, but so far no one has escaped eventually dying.

So since it is inevitable, let’s focus on the positive side of what young children can learn when someone close dies. First, they can experience comfort. When a person in the family dies, they observe the coming together to show love and support – with flowers, food or a visit. They can offer and listen to stories and memories and pictures.  What a wonderful lesson to teach – when someone dies, we can get comfort and give comfort and that is profoundly satisfying.  We can teach our children that death can bring people together.

If the person had been sick, children learn that one of our most important jobs is to take care of loved ones when they need us. They will see you model that and will grow up to care of their families and friends as well.

Another opportunity that death brings is the chance to begin a discussion that has been the source of some of the most profound thought – what is the nature of life and what is death. Children are so philosophical and ask the most amazing questions as they grapple with the limits of their level of cognition. This will result in you as an adult beginning to think about these questions as well. Some of you will rest on age old traditions from your religious upbringing and family, some will be at a loss and need to create some new ways of approaching death.

For the people that feel less sure about what happens or do not believe in any afterlife or God, they often feel strongly about not “lying to their children”. Children need stories and fables to understand the world around them, but that does not mean they will continue to believe in that explanation for the rest of their lives. Do you have the same feelings about God or death that you did at 6 or 16 or 26? Most likely you won’t feel the same at 56 or 86 either. If you have to use metaphors or fables to help your children understand loss, know that those ideas will grow and change. So if you talk about heaven as a peaceful place you go when you die or about reincarnation and questions arise such as, “Do you think Grandpa’s next life will be as a squirrel or dog?” do not worry that if this is not your belief you are lying. On the contrary, you are helping a child think about the lasting nature of that person.

Here are some things to say that are clear, simple and honest:

We won’t see Grandpa anymore, but we can think of him and look at pictures of him and tell stories about him.

All things in nature have a life and then they die, like flowers and fish and doggies and people.

Kids will worry about losing you as well, you can reassure them that you are healhty and strong and are there to take care of them. If they ask if you will die one day you should answer yes, but you hope it will be a very long time form now.

Remember that children as young as one or two will recognize and understand on some level that a special person has died. So be conscious of little ears.

A recent article in The New York Times, If Your Kids Are Awake They’re Probably Online, reported powerful data regarding children and their “screen time”.

“The average young American now spends practically every waking minute — except for the time in school — using a smart phone, computer, television or other electronic device, according to a new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation. Those ages 8 to 18 spend more than seven and a half hours a day with such devices, compared with less than six and a half hours five years ago, when the study was last conducted. And that does not count the hour and a half that youths spend texting, or the half-hour they talk on their cellphones.”

While technology is here to stay –for good or bad– parents should not give up their role in limiting media use and monitoring what is going on online.

Here are some basic tips for keeping tabs and limits on your children’s “screen time”:

• Know how to use all technology. Stay current and educated about how to text, use Facebook, ichat and skype. Stay in the loop on the kinds of communication systems your child and their friends are using. One way to get closer to teens is to have them teach you — let them be the expert and you be the student.
• All teens are on Facebook and many adults are as well. Starting your own Facebook page and being “friends” with your teen — even if they block you from seeing some information, will keep you tuned in to what is going on with them. Even if they resist and think you are “creepy and old”, it will become commonplace and accepted after a while.
• Make sure your kids are not sleeping with their phones. Texting becomes addictive and kids are often texting late into the night long after you are sound asleep. Maybe make a family charging station where all phones are charged at night and retrieved in the morning. Protect your child’s sleep!
• Set time limits for TV, computer and video game use. You do not have to allow your child to use media eight hours a day!
• Make rules that children and adults adhere to at home. No texts, email, phone or TV at dinner, or when you are walking children to school. Set a good example.
• Have a healthy distrust for new technology but embrace it as well. It is here to stay and if you can’t beat ‘em-join ‘em with care!

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships is right to the point and very helpful!

Remove The Phrase “You’re Too Sensitive” From Your List Of Responses In Your Relationship

Telling your loved one that they’re too sensitive when they ask you to lower your tone/harshness is dismissive and damaging to a relationship.  When you’re talking to someone, you’re not the judge of your tone, they are.  They know how it comes across to them, you don’t.  Regardless of whether you meant to be harsh or not, if they hear it as such—change your tone and energy.

We all have a tone every now and then.  It’s not a big deal to be human & consequently imperfect.  It is a big deal to turn it around on your partner.  Calling your partner sensitive is a cop out on your part.  Instead of worrying about yourself, worry about how your partner is feeling treated.

There have been very few incidents when the reality truly was that the person was too sensitive.  I’ve worked with hundreds of couples and trust me the odds of your partner being too sensitive versus you having a tone (or the like) are slim.  Just cop to it, apologize, CHANGE YOUR TONE and move on.  You’ll be amazed at how this one shift will change your relationship!

Many of the families we have worked with lived through 9/11 and therefore don’t have to start from scratch when it comes to explaining this frightening event. They have a framework to discuss terrorism in general, and this failed terrorist attack in particular. Those children already know the cold hard fact that bad things don’t just happen in remote places-things happen in America as well.

Parents with children who were born more recently have a new and difficult task added to their job description; talking to kids about terrorism. The first most important thing to remember is that it is almost impossible to shield children from hearing about it. If they have not already seen it on the news, heard grownups talk, or read headlines and pictures on the newspapers, then the first day back at school will change all that.

Parents are often surprised to learn that children as young as three and four years old will inevitably be exposed to some aspect of this news story.  Best for you to be their main source of information and reassurance rather than hearing bits and pieces or distortions of the truth when they are not with you. Look for an opening in their play. They could be crashing cars and “killing” someone, they could be drawing a picture of a plane. Or watch your child for symptoms of anxiety–nail biting, more agression than usual, worry about being alone.  It could start out as simple and straightforward for young children (3-6 years) as, “A bad man tried to hurt a plane and the people on it, but all the people jumped on him and the plane and all the people are safe. The man is in jail.” Talking with tweens and teenagers about the Taliban, suicide bombers and wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will be more complicated.

Then be prepared for questions. For all children their first worries will be about themselves and their own family’s immediate safety.  Just like with 9/11, it will be important to focus on the heroic measures that real people took in combating the violence.  This is when you say, “All the police, and fire fighters and soldiers and President Obama are working very hard to make sure this does not happen again.” If you are actually flying in the next few days and your children are nervous (or you are!) point out all the security measures at the airport to check for dangerous materials or people on the plane. Try to keep a calm and positive demeanor.

No matter what your particular political beliefs are, this is not the time to undermine your child’s sense of confidence in our country’s leadership.   What you can tell them is that hurting people is wrong and that this man was caught and put in jail. That is reassuring to children. What is  not reassuring to your children is venting your own anger at either jihadists, or the incompetence of our own government.

The hard thing is that this terrorist attempt, bungled as it was, really reminds us that this violence is very likely to become more common here. The safety we felt as kids, at least about war here on our own soil, is over. We do have to remember that most children in the world live with fear and violence as an everyday reality.  We can help our children tolerate their fear if we make sure we are not in denial about how much they know and help them make sense of this frightening reality.

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships offers great insight into enhancing your ability to support your partner.  Enjoy!

THE ART OF BEING SUPPORTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

By Lisa Merlo Booth

For those of you who struggle with supporting your partner, here’s a cheat sheet for you:
1.    Join them where they are.  If your partner comes to you with an idea they are excited about—first join them in their excitement.  Do not start with all the reasons why their idea will not work.  When you talk about all the negatives right off the bat, you’re a major downer!  Stop throwing a bucket of water on your partner’s idea and just listen.  The same is true when they come home and talk about something cool that happened at work.  Just because it’s not something you would think is cool doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy their energy around it.
2.    Pay attention to their energy.  Some partners don’t readily talk about their struggles.  If this is true for your partner, learn to listen to what is unspoken and check in.  “Honey would you like a hug?  You look beat.” “Honey, you seem down. Is everything okay?”  If they don’t want to talk, just let them know you’re here if they change their mind or want to run anything by you.
3.    Listen with the ear of a friend.  If your partner is struggling at work or with friends or even with parenting—first be on their side.  Too often we’re quick to point out what our partners did that was wrong or should do next time that we forget to just be their friend.  Don’t try to fix it or point out where your partner was off—just listen.  Every once in a while let them know you’re sorry they had a hard day.  Do not offer advice unless you ask them if they want it.
4.     Lead with a gift.  If they say that they would like advice, make sure you lead with a gift.  Do not just launch into all the things they didn’t do well, instead start with what they did do well.  For example if they’re upset about parenting, you might say, “First off, honey I know you love our children very much.  I also know you’re really working hard to teach them how to be responsible, which I think is great.  Sometimes I worry though that you may be pushing the responsibility part harder than you do the relationship.  I believe that if you let up a bit on the responsibility part, it will help your relationship with our son.”  The gift must be heart felt and genuine—not just words you’re throwing out so you can get to the advice.
5.    Breathe and use a pause button.  If your partner comes home with a BIG idea (such as quitting their job or moving to a different country), remember to breathe.  Just because they have this idea doesn’t mean they are going to do it.  Once you’ve slowed yourself down, listen to the idea with an open mind—knowing that listening does not mean agreeing.  If you’re too agitated to talk calmly, just tell your partner you’ll need to think about what they said for a few days.  Later get some space and figure out what your concerns are and what information you need in order to be better able to take your partner’s idea seriously.  Too often, one partner gets reactive and angry in response to the other partner’s “crazy” idea.  If you’re that reactive then chances are your reactivity is about you not the idea or your partner.
6.    Check in.  If you know your partner is going through a tough time at work due to layoffs or new management, etc. then check in with them.  Let them know you’re aware things are stressful and that you have their back.  If they are facing layoffs—you need to stay calm in the storm.  Let your partner know that you will manage whatever happens as a team.  Do not tell your partner that they had better not get laid off.  That’s ridiculous and unfair pressure to put on them.  Be their backbone during this time.

So few of us are taught how to communicate effectively and with respect. Couples in particular, deep in the parenting trenches where emotions run high are likely to say things they regret. Here’s the remedy, a five step communication strategy from Terry Real. Listen and watch the first clip which outlines the process.

This clip illustrates a very common marital argument where no holes are barred.

Now let’s watch Lisa and Laura work on this same conflict using the five steps for healthy communication:

The speaker follows these steps. The listener’s job is to be curious, quiet and non defensive. You will have your turn later.

1. Ask permission to speak.

2. State what happened objectively, as if a camera caught it on tape.

3. List the emotions you felt.

4. Now describe your interpretation using the sentence, “And what I made up about that is….”

5. Ask for what you would prefer in the future.

The listener now responds:

1. Own up to whatever part of the complaint you have actually done.

2. Apologize for what you feel sorry about.

3. Reassure your partner that you will take steps to change that behavior.

Now the former listener gets to be the speaker. She gets the chance to voice her complaints and reactions, but in a similarly respectful way. Using these guidelines may initially feel awkward and forced but with time the tenor of your arguing moves from damaging to productive.