Children need clear limits and guidance. From the end of the first year of life on, setting parameters about what is, and what is not appropriate behavior is the bulk of your job. Setting limits and clear expectations is not a punitive action – it is teaching. The goal is to raise a person who uses good judgment.

Proactive discipline-telling your child what is expected of them up front, increases the likelihood of their following the rules. We often go into situations “hoping” our kids will behave instead of telling them what goals, expectations and consequences exist right off the bat.

For example, before you go into the playground with your four-year old, have a quick conversation:

“Ok, so remember the rules: No hitting, no pushing, no throwing sand. If you do that you will have to sit on the bench with me for a little while. If you do it again then we will have to leave the playground. So what are the rules?”

“No hitting, no throwing sand and no hurting!”

“Right! So let’s go in and have fun.”

Your child has a clear road map of what is to come. The rules, the expectations, and without anger, the consequences. Chances are, your child will not be able to follow those rules on many occasions–that’s part of childhood, they are learning. Your job as a parent is to teach them the rules and follow through on the consequences.

After the upset has died down and everyone is calm, talk about the experience. Hear their perspective and feelings. Let them know that even though they make mistakes, break the rules, have trouble controlling themselves, that there is an open forum to talk about their grievances. Clear rules coupled with deep conversation later helps to stay connected and allows children to understand and control their behavior.

So, worst case scenario you had to take your child from the park kicking and screaming. Next time you go say, “Remember what happened last time when you threw sand? We had to leave.” They will vividly remember. “Follow our rules and we won’t have to go home early!” You’ve got a better chance of follow through on their part this time. This example of limit setting can be applied to almost every situation and activity in your young child’s life. After repetition, you will begin to see their automatic recognition of what is acceptable behavior. Keep in mind – your children are counting on you to guide them.

Whether you feel silly or elated when you talk to your baby in “baby talk”, you should know that you are doing one of your most important jobs as a parent. The high pitched, drawn out, sing songy, repetitive “parent speak”, as it is now called in the field of infant research, is the perfect way to communicate with your baby. “Parent speak” is innate and cross cultural. It is a foundation of language development.

Often you hear parents say they want to talk to their child like they are more grown up so they will learn to speak more quickly, or with more sophistication. They fight the instinct to speak in baby talk. It’s helpful to know that it is precisely speaking this way that paves the way for complex conversation.

Ellen Galinsky, a seasoned professional in child development, lays out the most important research in the field of language acquisition in her new book “Mind in the Making”.  Some of  the best infant research show that parent speak also regulates the mood of the baby and helps children get into the quiet, alert state in which they learn best. So go ahead, make a fool of yourself with abandon- it’s educational!

Here is some sensitivity training about divorce. To say divorce is provocative is an understatement.  Though approximately 40% of couples divorce, people experiencing divorce can still feel like an outcast. It is common for friends or acquaintances to fade away and seem uncomfortable around you – as if it were catchy.  Married friends are often frightened by separation. “If that could happen to you maybe that could happen to me,” clangs in their heads. Out of this insecurity some friends feel compelled to wax on about how great their marriage is, lessening their capacity to be supportive.

On the other hand, your divorce may cause jealousy. Your new freedom, a sense of liberation and empowerment, new romantic partners – it’s enough to drive a moderately unhappily married friend insane. Those people may want to live vicariously through you, or judge you because of the way your new life makes them look at their own.

There are of course, friends who are there through thick and thin and can manage their reactions. Acquaintances can surprise you with incredible empathy and support.  So remember, for the divorced and married alike — try not to judge and be aware of your reactions.  Life takes unexpected turns and if we can support each other the journey is much, much easier.

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships helps you recognize whether alcohol is playing too big a role in your life.

DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

by Lisa Merlo Booth

Too many couples have a third party creating problems in their relationship. That third party is alcohol. When alcohol is a source of stress in a relationship, it is typically because one partner thinks the other partner either drinks too much or is no fun to be around when they drink. The other partner, of course, does not think this is the case.

For those of you who struggle with this issue in your own relationship, let me help you out. Below are several warning signs that your drinking is, minimally, a problem and possibly alcohol abuse or alcoholism.
• You’ve ever been worried about your drinking and tried to stop or cut back as a result.
• You’ve experienced blackouts due to drinking.
• You become mean-spirited and nasty when you drink.
• Your drinking has resulted in your missing work, losing your job or not being able to perform your job as expected.
• Your partner, friends, children or co-workers have commented on your drinking.
• Your drinking is a source of tension between you and your partner (and not because your partner is opposed to drinking).
• You “have to” have a drink to calm down or relax.
• You often drink to get buzzed or drunk.
• You seldom, if ever, stop at just one drink.
• You use alcohol to loosen up and give you social confidence.
• You drink alone or hide your alcohol use.

There are several signs that your drinking has moved beyond social drinking to problem drinking, but the best indicator I know is: if your drinking is creating problems in your relationship or your life—your drinking is a problem. The problem is not your partner’s thinking it’s a problem.

If you’re not sure whether or not you have a drinking problem — chances are you drink too much. If people in your life think you have a problem and you get defensive when they say this — chances are you drink too much. If either of these two circumstances is present and you have a family history of alcoholism — you’re playing with fire. If you don’t control it, you will get burned.

Alcoholism has an uncanny way of getting passed from one generation to the next. If there is any question that your drinking is a problem, then deal with the issue NOW. Stop the toxic legacy of addiction. You, your marriage and your children deserve to have a safe, sober environment in which to thrive.

“Get off the iPad! Come hang out with me!!”

Not me to my daughter, mind you–my daughter to me.

It’s true. I am in love with my iPad. It is hard for me to put it down. It calls to me. Even my adult children who are quite the techno-wizards themselves feel they sometimes have to pry me away from my iPad. They think I escaped a terrible fate by not having a cell phone or computer when I had small children. I cannot imagine I would have been good at setting it aside when bored at the park, or while bathing them or sorting Barbie clothes.

Thursday’s New York Times article “The Risks of Parenting While Plugged In” was upsetting. Not only because I meet with kids who by age 8 report that their parents love their blackberry more than them, but because I know full and well how hard it is to focus on relationships with children when the call of the responsive, neat and fast smart phone asks you to just take one more “hit”. The lures of technology are like quicksand–before you know it you are buried under cravings and habits and it feels impossible to get yourself out.

I feel for parents. It seems like an unavoidable addiction. Take out calls and texts while at the park and you too would shovel sand, push on the swing or pretend to be captain hook. I think my kids lucked out on having an unplugged mother and I hope parents can sometimes fight the urge to put it away.

Here is a challenge–for one entire day pretend it is 1987 and ban yourself from all modes of technology other than a land line. You will walk away with a clear understanding of the difference technology makes in the quantity and quality of time spent with children. It is unrealistic to cut everything out on a daily basis, but if you can follow any or all of these guidelines you are guaranteed to have a richer relationship with your child:

• No phone, computer, etc from the time you come home from work until the kids go to bed
• No phone/text usage during meals
• No talking or texting while you take your children to school

And for myself. When I have the gift of a daughter home from college who wants me to hang out with her, I better let go of my beloved iPad. I am going to make sure she holds me to it.

A recent study in the American Academy of Pediatrics shows a positive correlation between mother/daughter communication about sex, and the daughter’s decision to get the HPV vaccine. The HPV vaccine protects against a certain kind of cervical cancer due to an STD. Unvaccinated women were more likely to vaccinate in the future if they thought their mothers would approve. This is not to vote yea or nay on the vaccine itself, but rather to point out the impact of mothers and daughters talking together about sexual health.

The CDC reports adolescent girls are more vulnerable to STD’s than their male counterparts.

“Adolescent girls ages 15–19 years had the largest reported number of chlamydia and gonorrhea cases (409,531) when compared to any other age group, followed closely by women ages 20-24, according to an annual report on sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)…The report finds that more than 1.5 million cases of chlamydia and gonorrhea were reported in 2008.”

Whatever your daughter’s age-whether she is potty training, wanting to know where babies come from, developing breasts, or beginning to be sexually active-you can create an open door for her to come to you with questions. It will impact her health, self-esteem and sense of herself as a women one day.

This piece from Straight Talk On Relationships explains how keeping your partner accountable while maintaining a loving attitude towards them is a mandatory part of a successful relationship.

ACCOUNTABILITY AND CHERISHING: A NECESSARY BALANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS

In my work with women, I often stress the importance of not settling in their relationships.  Too many women end up taking poor treatment, staying with active addicts or trying to coax a philanderer back to their bed.  I work with the women to set limits, hold their partners accountable and to ask for what they want rather than getting resentful for what they’re not getting.  The other side to this is to also be cherishing.

Holding our loved ones accountable for their behaviors is vital for both women and men; it’s a necessary component in any relationship. Many people, however, struggle with holding others accountable.  This struggle intensifies if the other person is at all volatile, controlling or intense.  Some people just wish others would act better and in the mean time they settle for what they’re given.

Not holding others accountable, however, does not help your relationship—nor does it help your partner, child, friend or whoever it is that you’re not holding accountable. Saying nothing about poor behavior sends the message that the behavior is fine.  It also sends the message that you will take whatever kind of treatment they give you.

When people don’t stand up for themselves, it results in a loss of respect — a loss of respect by others and for themselves.  The bottom line is you cannot have healthy relationships without accountability.

Equally as vital to relationships, however, is cherishing.  If a relationship is all about accountability, but has little cherishing in it, it won’t last.  Sometimes women, especially, will go from being kind at all costs to the extreme opposite end of only sharing about what they don’t like.  They become the relationship police.  They don’t ever want to be taken advantage of again so they are constantly on their partner about what they are doing wrong.  This will not work.

We need to remember that relationships are meant to fuel us.  They are meant to add to our lives, not zap us of energy.  We need to have the strength to call others out on the actions they do that hurt us while also appreciating the kind acts they do that fuel us. Too much in one direction or the other will hurt our relationships.  We need to find the balance.

Be loving and strong at the same time.  You will feel better for it and your partner will respect you more.

Parents know their children best. That is why in the case of a divorce, the working out of a parenting arrangement and schedule is best left to parents – not courts or litigating lawyers. Even when the hurt, animosity, and fear involved in divorce feel overwhelming, many parents can come together and make decisions about how to set up the post-separation life of their children.

Ruth Bettelheim, a marriage and family therapist suggests a simple change in the law would have a huge positive impact on families. She writes in the New York Times Op-Ed, No Fault of Their Own, family law could “defuse tension by requiring parents to enter mediation to find a custody solution that best meets the needs of all concerned…In an adversarial custody battle, no one wins, but children are the biggest losers of all. Intelligent legislation could promote the one thing that children of divorce need most: peace between their parents.”

For years, divorcing families have come to Soho Parenting to talk about their conflicts and to find solutions to questions about their children. Even in the most contentious situations, it is amazing to see that parents can pull together and talk through, negotiate and decide on arrangements. When you step out of the archaic divorce court system and away from the sometimes combative advice of lawyers, parents do a great job agreeing about their kids with a strong but supportive mediator in the room.

Now we will be able to offer Divorce Mediation services at Soho Parenting in a more formal way.  The process includes helping couples to decide on financial matters and parenting arrangements. The completion of an agreement becomes a binding legal document. In addition to mediation, couples can meet with a child development specialist, individual therapists if needed.  Our goal, as always, is to support parents through the transitions in family life with complete regard for the care of the emotional needs of their children. Mediation provides an opportunity for parents to rise up to their best selves to make good choices for their families.

People ask all the time, “How can you sit there hour after hour listening to people’s problems?” Here’s how. Imagine that you get to spend an hour or two a week with someone who has entrusted you with their most delicate, personal and honest thoughts. You learn the story of their lives. You know what hurt them, you know what they wish for. You figure out together what trips them up, what keeps them from enjoying what they have, or from doing something new. And in those hours you get to put your heads together and work to help them know themselves more deeply, challenge themselves and change things for the better.

Some are issues you have dealt with or are working on in your own life. Other issues are new and different from your own experience or training so it inspires you to read more and push yourself to change your way of thinking. You get to learn about the intricacies of many different kinds of careers–things you will never study but are fascinating, from writing poetry and design, to finance and surgery.   To understand how each individual takes their talents and struggles and turns them into their life’s work.

As a therapist, you get to watch a family grow, especially if you bring in other family members which is a part of our approach. You get to go through losses and celebrations, glitches and breakthroughs. You watch people unfold and become strong.

Sounds like a good job? All in all it is an honor.

In the last year the most used piece of advice I have given is this – ‘The little things matter.’  The walk on the way to school, eggs together at the diner, the conversations at bath time – all of these seemingly simple activities mean so much in your relationship with your child.

Parents are sadly bombarded with pressure about which school, what activities, feeding only breast milk-the list goes on and on. Many get a skewed sense of what is important about being a parent and get caught up in the sweeping tide of anxiety about over achievement for their children and for themselves. They will admit, “I spend more time pumping when I get home from work than hanging with the baby, I have to get the milk.” “I leave the bath to the babysitter so I can check my email when I get home so I am not over-run with work when I get into the office the next morning.” Or “I spent every night in the last two weeks working on the school auction, I want her to see how dedicated I am to her school.” The frantic energy and the desire to do a good job is palpable.

We are on the wrong path here. The culture is pushing us to ignore the little things. Small opportunities for closeness with your child, looking at the world with them, just being. The big busy picture means nothing to them. And when you slow down and take time to think about it–it isn’t that important to you either.