As the semester came to an end in college, I remember excitedly making my summer reading list. Nothing I had to read, just things I wanted to read. Creating the list was a signal that summertime was near, with less responsibility and a little more breathing room. I loved making those lists with my kids and doing the ritual trip to Barnes and Noble to pick out a stack for each of them. They ranged from Caldecott winners to The Babysitter’s Club.

Making this a ritual supports the idea that reading is fun and valuable even when not in school. In the age of Amazon, the actual bookstore experience is a special one, you stumble onto things you never even thought about, you look carefully at book jackets and have the solid feeling of a book in hand. This is a great summer ritual for you and your children.

In many states children can start kindergarten as young as four years old. A New York Times article recently reported on the challenges for these kids in, Too young For Kindergarten? Tide Turning Against 4-Year Olds. The article highlights teachers that advocate for an age cut off that would prevent 4-year olds from starting kindergarten.

“They struggled because they’re not developmentally ready,” said Ms. Ferrantino, 26, who teaches in Hartford. “It is such a long day and so draining, they have a hard time holding it together.”

Advocates of lower income children worry, rightly so, that these children, who benefit from an early start at school, will be cut out of public education for a year, while wealthier families will be able to pay for another year of preschool.

Nowhere in the article, did anyone advocate for changing kindergarten back to a play based, non-academic setting where children can socialize and learn in a developmentally appropriate manner.

A letter to the editor in the NYT a few weeks back that hit the nail on the head of our inability to see the backward thinking of our current educational ethos popped into my head.

To the Editor:

In your May 15 issue, I could not help but link Richard Arum and Josipa Roksa’s Op-Ed article, “Your So-Called Education,” to the Sunday Styles article “Fast-Tracking to Kindergarten.” Mr. Arum and Ms. Roksa lament that college students do not improve their writing and reasoning skills while in school. Their answer: increase the time students spend studying and ratchet up the reading and writing assignments.

Then consider the pained and puzzled look on the face of a 3-year-old girl in the “Fast-Tracking” article as she struggles to match round orange letter discs with letters splayed across a cardboard sheet before her. Research shows that she will not gain much from her intense preschool efforts. Less formal education and more time playing are better solutions.

It appears, then, that we are paying big money to educate our youth but failing at both ends of the pipeline and for opposite reasons. Our college students are not dedicating enough time to studying, and our early learners are spending too much time in formal academic tutoring.

But, here’s the point: It’s not the amount of time that counts, but how we use it.

KAREN GROSS

President, Southern Vermont College, Bennington, Vt., May 15, 2011

Couldn’t have said it better!

May and June are always jam packed months for parents. Book publishing parties, teacher appreciation luncheons, end of the year picnics–there seems to be an event for every day. While many families can manage all the activity, some families, parents or children or both feel overwhelmed by the never ending “celebrations”. It is a good idea to really take time to think about which of these events is important. Remember you can say no to some if the pace is creating too much stress. It’s great to mark the end of the year, but there is no need for a crash landing.

How many times has your mother-in law said, “She wasn’t like this with me!” Or your nanny comments that your son goes down for a nap like an angel with her. Or you go for a parent teacher conference and the description of the child, “first to clean up, so empathetic to other children, what a helper!” is not the child you know. Parents come in for consultation time and time again embarrassed to report that they are in a deep struggle with their child–but that it doesn’t seem to be going on with caregivers, teachers or with other adults.

This is because our children are at their worst with us! They are supposed to be. Parents are exactly the ones you want your child to be struggling with the most. You mean the most, you are the safest person in their lives, and you are the person that can most teach them lessons about life and relationships.

Why bother struggling with your nanny over nap time? It’s not her that you are fighting sleep to see. Why whine and throw a tantrum with grandma, she is probably giving in to your every whim. Why show your tiredness, worry or frustration in school? Show your mom or dad so they can help you out with it without having to feel embarrassed in front of your friends.

The next time the comment tinged with judgement comes, “He was a such doll until you came in!” You can proudly say, “I know, he really knows how to behave out in the world, but with me he can show all his feelings!”

Imagine this: You work your job Monday through Thursday. Your husband works Tuesday through Friday. Your babysitter works Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday evenings. Everyone has time at work and time at home with their children. Is this a dream? It is a dream in America, but in the Scandinavian countries it is a growing reality.  Pia Dijkstra, a member of Parliament in the Netherlands comments, “Our part-time experience has taught us that you can organize work in a rhythm other than nine-to-five. The next generation,” she added, is “turning our part-time culture from a weakness into a strength.”

Of course, nine to five in America is practically considered part-time. So we’ve got our work cut out for us. We can use the Netherlands as a role model. Parents report consistently that a mix of work time and home time are the most fulfilling. Children are getting the time they need with their parents and adults are getting both the satisfaction that comes from working and time with their children.

Parents say “Use your words!” to help children turn their raw emotion into understandable language. Here is another way to transform feelings, help children process events and support your child’s love of language, art and books. Make books yourselves, together. Nothing high tech – sheets of computer paper, a stapler and markers are all you need. Turn your life events- moving, saying goodbye, a new baby, fighting with friends, learning to control anger, into a narrative.

Here’s an example. You are moving and a bit worried about how your child will handle it. You want to be able to prepare and discuss, but kids need indirect ways of talking about big things. So, tell your four year old you two are going to write a book about moving. Show her how to make a book by stapling papers together and off you go!

“What should the cover be like? We need a name for our book and a picture. What should be call it?”

“James is moving.”

“Awesome title! I’ll write that and then you draw a picture now for the cover of our book…Is that our building?”

“That’s our house and I want to stay here!?”

“I know, let’s start the book with that. I will write the words and you can draw and write your words. So, page one. James lives at 332 West 24th Street. He has lived there since the day he came home from the hospital. He doesn’t want to move and leave his house! He says, “I want to stay here.”

It is the rare kid who won’t be hooked by the plot line here! You continue your book about moving with your story and blend in the language your child uses in the prose. You translate a life event into a story, and thereby give a way to process feelings for your children.

Let’s cut to the last page.

“So James and his mommy, daddy and Maggie the dog move will move to their new house at 112 West 89 th Street. They will always remember and miss their first house. The End.”

Your child now can look at this book of his own creation, his own words, his designs. He is in charge of his own story, which we all know, helps.

Mornings are jam packed with “to do’s” once your children are in school. Parents often complain that it feels like a whole day has happened from the time they get up to the time they get out the door. Tons of tasks, a clear deadline, the natural slowness and non-linear way kids operate, can feel overwhelming. Often parents who have the responsibility of getting themselves and their children totally ready to walk out the door by 8:15 AM are trying to accomplish too much in too short a time. They end up frustrated and short-tempered and somehow the blame is on the son who had to run and get his Lego, or the daughter who hates how her shoes feel. Time has to be built in for these bumps, as they are the rule with children, not the exception.

The best way to tame the beast of the morning is to get there first. Getting up at least ten minutes before your children will make a huge difference. We all know that when kids are the alarm clock -poking you to get up – you are dead in the water! A cup of coffee, a quick shower, making lunches or breakfast – before the kids are up – can make all the difference in the world. This way, your children awake to a day already in progress. You are ready (or at least able) to greet them. You are in charge and can shepherd them through the twists and turns of morning. You are ahead of the game. Of course, if you need more time to make sure you are ready for the before them, take it. Either way, you will be surprised at the difference even ten minutes makes.

If you want to get the best window into how a five year old thinks read The Room by Emma Donoghue. Told from the perspective of a five year old boy, this story of a mother and her son captive in a small room for years gives incredible insight into the way children process information. It also shows how the creativity of a parent and the power of relationship can help us all cope with even the worst hardship. The audio book narrator, in this child’s voice, is so believable. I laughed out loud at his adorableness, felt his fear and understood and remembered what it was like to be a little child so in tune and reliant on the emotional state of my mother. The book is also a powerful commentary on what children really need vs what we think they need. Two thumbs up.

Annie Lamott, author and mother, wrote a hilarious, honest and upsetting essay about motherhood in 1998. It re-surfaced last month and was sent, via email, to members of an ongoing group at Soho Parenting.

It was so appropriate because in that particular group we speak the unspeakable – the dark feelings that accompany the delight and intense love for our children. We talk about the rage and the out-of-control feelings that children of all ages evoke. It feels a little like a secret society where woman can drop the plastic smile and assurances to other mothers that everything is “Awesome!” and get down and dirty. What a relief. So Lamott’s essay is a window into the that secret place where the underbelly of the maternal belly lies. Read, laugh, and breathe a sigh of relief that you are not alone in the real world of raising children.

Mother Rage: Theory and Practice All mothers Have it. No one talks about it. That only makes it worse. By Annie Lamott