Your baby is always learning. Whether you are singing to your baby, shaking a rattle for them, or running errands, your baby is taking in the world and learning. When it comes to play, the trusted adults and the physical world are your baby’s best playmate. No need for fancy toys – simple rattles, balls, books and blocks will do. Playing peek-a-boo, singing, crawling around and tickling will do more for your baby than any organized class for infants.

Of course, the kind of play that you engage in with your baby depends greatly on his attention span and tolerance for stimulation. Parents can quickly learn the signs that a baby is enjoying the play or needs  a break and is becoming overstimulated.  Clearly a smiling and laughing baby is having a great time – keep it up!  A baby who diverts his gaze away from a parent or turns away is needing a break. Usually a baby will give one of these more subtle signs before crying.  Of course, if he begins to cry, then he is unequivocally saying “enough!”

And moms-pay attention! Research has shown that active play with kids, the kind most typical of dads, affords kids great advantages in terms of their social competence, emotional development, as well as verbal reasoning and problem solving.  So let their dads play away and don’t try to get them to play like you. They have their own style and it is just as important as more toned down play.

Let your baby explore the world on their own. Using their own senses and being the masters of their fun is important as well. If they are content and “doing their own thing” you are not being neglectful. Let them keep growing that ability to entertain themselves.

Well that was a long time ago. Almost 50 years. So many other snapshots have been taken, by the camera, in the mind:  the good, the bad, the ugly, as in all relationships with one’s father. But this is my favorite. It captures the best part of being my father’s daughter. There I was, just being me, looking out at the world, holding my ball, red Keds ready for jumping and dancing. There he is, just looking with love.

I am not whitewashing the complexity. I am just going for the essence. I am grateful beyond belief for that adoring look. It has immunized me from many of life’s trials. It has given me drive and confidence.

Hopefully, each of us can find one essential, wonderful thing about being our father’s child. Despite how many other parts of the relationship may be fraught or disappointing, or complicated– on Father’s Day let’s just honor and be grateful for that one thing.

Tara Parker Pope’s recent piece Surprisingly, Family Time Has Grown in her New York Times Blog Well, takes a closer look at the amount of ‘family time’ in the modern working-parent household. Citing research from the University of California and the Pew Research Center, she writes that time spent with children has actually increased for both mothers and fathers since the mid 1990′s (with mothers still doing the bulk of parenting). The post goes on to say that working parents still suffer from guilt, constantly worrying about spending enough time with their children. The main point of this article is to relieve this distress, and show that parents are doing a better job than they think.

Pope leaves us with important food for thought in the last paragraph of her article, and it is this finding that really caught our eye. She refers to Ellen Galinsky, President of The Families and Work Institute:

Dr. Galinsky notes that although working parents typically feel guilty for not spending more time at home, children often have a different reaction. In a landmark study published as “Ask the Children” (Harper, 2000), she asked more than 1,000 children about their “one wish” for their parents. Although parents expected their children would wish for more family time, the children wanted something different.

“Kids were more likely to wish that their parents were less tired and less stressed,” Dr. Galinsky said.

This excerpt indicates that the quality of the parents mood, not the amount, and nor the exact activity or “quality time” that parents strive for is most important to children. This should not be a big surprise, of course. Whether one had a stay-at-home mother, a working mother, a dad who was home at six, or a dad that spent most time at work, it is the emotional state of that parent that stands out over time.

The “Ask The Children” study is a road map for parents about what children really want. Children wish parents were more rested and calmer, less stressed. They need us to take care of ourselves as best we can, so that time spent together is not time for them to worry about us.

Attachment is a parenting “buzz” word.  Detachment is a Buddhist one. The combination of both is the dynamic duo of raising children. The western definition of attachment is a connection, a deep desire to care for, protect and be a part of someone’s life. It is the foundation of healthy emotional development.  Yet, attachment in the Buddhist lexicon has more negative connotations.

Attachment is like a craving. We hold on tight to ideas or things with the false belief that they are unchanging. We attach to moods, emotions, and phases as if they are constant and everlasting. This explains why we are blindsided by change, hopeless when things feel hard and get overly invested when things are going swimmingly.

Here’s an example:

Your child has been sailing into the classroom so far this year and says goodbye with a confident wave. You become “attached” to this phase and behavior.  The inner dialogue is self congratulatory, and you are flying high on the pride and gratification that comes from having an independent kid.

After your vacation, you walk into the classroom that first day back and your son is whiny and clingy. He doesn’t want you to leave. Your heart is pounding, your face is flushed, you worry “What’s wrong with him?” and “Why is this happening?”  Simultaneously you feel angry, truth be told, because your clingy, whiny kid is embarrassing. You finally peel him off and spend the rest of the day feeling sick with worry.

Detachment, in the Buddhist sense, means you have a separate observing ego talking you down off the ledge. The observer reminds you that all things must change, that being resistant to going to school is as common a phenomenon as loving to go–maybe even more common. The detached observer is not detached from your child, actually you are more tuned in because you are staying calm. Using detachment, you are caring for him by not escalating anxiety to the point where he believes that feeling hesitant to go to school one morning will become a major problem for his mother and therefore, him. Detachment approach helps you calm the choppy waters of your internal world so that your response is not reactive but helpful.

Don’t think for one second that this comes easily. Cultivating an attitude of detachment takes practice, practice, practice.  I wish I had this perspective twenty years ago when my kids were small. Since there is no lack of opportunities to practice detachment when you are raising children–by now, I might be at monk status!

Thank goodness it is never too late to start. The muscle of attachment/detachment in it’s wonderful east/west combination becomes stronger the more it is used. You are more grounded, less reactive and a much sturdier rock for your kids to rely on. So maybe there’s a movement here, “Detachment Parenting”?

Soho Parenting sent a survey to fathers about their hopes, regrets, and role models for fatherhood. Men ages 40-79 replied.  Every response had one thing in common. Each and every father wished they had, or did, work less. They all regretted not spending more time with their children.

A recent piece by Michael Winerip in Generation B in The New York Times echoes this. He reports on men who have small children while in their fifties and sixties. They feel happy to have children late in life, when the pressures of work and their own ambitions are less front and center.

“I was bad about this the first time,” said Mr. Albinus, who has a daughter, 37, and a son, 28, by two different women in his native Denmark. In his 20s he was building a career as a political reporter covering Parliament. “I had to be there long hours,” he said. On days he was supposed to pick up his son from child care, he often couldn’t. He would call his wife, who was also working full time, and they’d argue about how he never did his share. “I’d get to day care late, my son was crying, it was terrible,” Mr. Albinus said. These things leave scars; at one point, the grown son, now a film director in Denmark, stopped speaking to him for a year….“For my little son, I’m always there,” he said. “For my older son, I missed too many birthdays.”

One father in our survey lamented that his own father worked too much.  He set out to be different with his children, but somehow it turned into the same situation.  It is important to remember that even with intention and awareness, it is an uphill climb to really make a change from what you experienced as a child.

This is a heads up for parents to sit together and really talk about their priorities, values and plans. Children need their fathers and fathers need their children. See what changes you can make to insure that father’s time with their children is not optional or marginal. Not everyone gets a second shot.

ALERT! Women are still making 77 cents on the dollar! Sylvia Ann Hewlett, an economist and the founder of the Center for Work-Life Policy has estimated that the penalty is 10% of income for every two years out of the job market, a loss that is never recouped. If a woman divorces, the Rutgers Divorce Project states, her standard of living decreases by 27% and a man’s increases by 10%. So between lower wages in general, no social security benefits for full time mothers, and divorce rates holding between 40 and 50%, what’s a woman to do?

Here’s an idea that you and your spouse can implement which takes these facts into consideration. Not romantic, but realistic and fiscally responsible planning. How about a Family Insurance Plan?  A self-made insurance policy for the mother who stays at home for a number of years. Each year you can put aside a percentage of the family income toward this safety net. We get life insurance so that our family is cared for if we die, so why wouldn’t we honor the work being done at home and protect your family financially at the same time.

Whenever this is suggested in Mother’s groups, women first get excited and then deflate- fearful about bringing this up with their husbands. Men and women alike have difficulty attaching a monetary value to being the family manager. More importantly, woman are worried that bringing this up feels like a vote of no confidence in the marriage.

On the contrary, this is a protective forward-thinking gift to the whole family. You address the financial sacrifice that women make by deciding to either decrease, or stop their work outside the home, and you protect your children from undue financial hardship. Sounds like a win-win!

First time back in yoga class in five months. The shoulder tear I incurred had me in pain and out for the count for quite some time. I settled into a seated position as we chanted a Sanskrit sentence that translates to “Birth is our teacher, Life is our teacher, Death is our teacher.” Guru, the word for teacher in the chant, really means the removal of darkness to see light. The teacher talked a bit about how life, and our mistakes, are our Gurus. They remove some blindness, some darkness, and something becomes clear, illuminated, something learned, movement happens.

Good timing. The shoulder tear was my mistake. Pushing myself, denying my age – not listening to my body. The teacher had said to me “you can just stay where you are” as I continued to bend backwards. Inside I responded like a four year old stamping her feet. “I WANT TO DO THIS!”  A moment of satisfaction and pride quickly turned into an MRI and five months of pain.  So much for side plank into full wheel!

Five months later, overjoyed to be back in class, I felt grateful of my mistake. I had learned (again) how ego leads to pain, learned patience and respect for the healing process, and learned to be kind to my body instead of feeling angry at it for not performing.

In parenting, we constantly worry about doing “the right thing.” The mistakes we make – too harsh a tone, disciplining when comfort is needed and comforting when discipline is needed, all the many things that feel so not right are our teachers. If we pay attention to our actions and try with all our might not to beat up on ourselves, we grow, we make adjustments, we apologize.

What better lesson to model and teach our children. Harmony, disharmony, repair. That’s the best we can do.

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships reminds us that our tone and general attitude toward our partner influences the relationship greatly. Often times what we think is ‘all in good fun’, really puts a rift in the communication.

THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS

The New York Times article, For Some Parents Shouting is the New Spanking, by Hillary Stout,  bravely shines the light on a slightly taboo topic. In many parenting circles, spanking is a discipline tool of the past.Whether or not parents actually resort to spanking is another story.

When it comes to screaming, however, it often seems accepted as a matter of course. Everyone  has a reflexive, knee jerk stance based on family of origin. If you came from a family of screamers, yelling might feel completely normal. Many people feel it is an ethnic rite or genetically encoded behavior. Others remember their parents yelling and screaming and the fear that it engendered. These parents do a yeoman’s job of controlling their tempers, but nevertheless find themselves overtaken by fury and frustration at times. Some grew up with simmering issues but no communication, so “letting it all out” can feel like a healthier way.

The problem is that yelling and screaming can feel so damn good while you are doing it. You feel powerful, like you are someone to be reckoned with, self-righteous and entitled.  After all, what human being can cope with the amount of badgering, whining, and defiance that kids dish out. In actuality, the desire to yell actually comes from the opposite place: a place of helplessness, feeling overburdened and incompetent. Screaming and yelling bring false empowerment. True power is when parents control themselves, for example, putting their child in their room without yelling or ranting or being able to take away privileges in a three word sentence like “No TV tomorrow!!”

Unfortunately, the nature of children and the culture we live in has the deck stacked against parents. Kids need repeated reminders, often years of reminders to do things like saying please and thank you, coming to the dinner table and not smashing their siblings. Our culture is all about getting what you want by taking no prisoners.  Given those forces, staying respectful calls for a kind of determination, focus and self control that seems only a zen master could muster. The good news is that self control can be learned. Start with this rule. Screaming, name calling, ranting and shaming is NOT ALLOWED. It is a boundary violation and something to avoid. Remember, it is not our right as a parent.

Since most people are not zen masters, realistically you probabaly will yell or scream when you are in your most helpless and overwhelmed state. Treat it as if you had hit your child. After you calm down, apologize. Remind them that it wasn’t OK, and that you are really focused on learning to control that behavior, just like they are.

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships offers great insight into enhancing your ability to support your partner.  Enjoy!

THE ART OF BEING SUPPORTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

By Lisa Merlo Booth

For those of you who struggle with supporting your partner, here’s a cheat sheet for you:
1.    Join them where they are.  If your partner comes to you with an idea they are excited about—first join them in their excitement.  Do not start with all the reasons why their idea will not work.  When you talk about all the negatives right off the bat, you’re a major downer!  Stop throwing a bucket of water on your partner’s idea and just listen.  The same is true when they come home and talk about something cool that happened at work.  Just because it’s not something you would think is cool doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy their energy around it.
2.    Pay attention to their energy.  Some partners don’t readily talk about their struggles.  If this is true for your partner, learn to listen to what is unspoken and check in.  “Honey would you like a hug?  You look beat.” “Honey, you seem down. Is everything okay?”  If they don’t want to talk, just let them know you’re here if they change their mind or want to run anything by you.
3.    Listen with the ear of a friend.  If your partner is struggling at work or with friends or even with parenting—first be on their side.  Too often we’re quick to point out what our partners did that was wrong or should do next time that we forget to just be their friend.  Don’t try to fix it or point out where your partner was off—just listen.  Every once in a while let them know you’re sorry they had a hard day.  Do not offer advice unless you ask them if they want it.
4.     Lead with a gift.  If they say that they would like advice, make sure you lead with a gift.  Do not just launch into all the things they didn’t do well, instead start with what they did do well.  For example if they’re upset about parenting, you might say, “First off, honey I know you love our children very much.  I also know you’re really working hard to teach them how to be responsible, which I think is great.  Sometimes I worry though that you may be pushing the responsibility part harder than you do the relationship.  I believe that if you let up a bit on the responsibility part, it will help your relationship with our son.”  The gift must be heart felt and genuine—not just words you’re throwing out so you can get to the advice.
5.    Breathe and use a pause button.  If your partner comes home with a BIG idea (such as quitting their job or moving to a different country), remember to breathe.  Just because they have this idea doesn’t mean they are going to do it.  Once you’ve slowed yourself down, listen to the idea with an open mind—knowing that listening does not mean agreeing.  If you’re too agitated to talk calmly, just tell your partner you’ll need to think about what they said for a few days.  Later get some space and figure out what your concerns are and what information you need in order to be better able to take your partner’s idea seriously.  Too often, one partner gets reactive and angry in response to the other partner’s “crazy” idea.  If you’re that reactive then chances are your reactivity is about you not the idea or your partner.
6.    Check in.  If you know your partner is going through a tough time at work due to layoffs or new management, etc. then check in with them.  Let them know you’re aware things are stressful and that you have their back.  If they are facing layoffs—you need to stay calm in the storm.  Let your partner know that you will manage whatever happens as a team.  Do not tell your partner that they had better not get laid off.  That’s ridiculous and unfair pressure to put on them.  Be their backbone during this time.