Your baby is always learning. Whether you are singing to your baby, shaking a rattle for them, or running errands, your baby is taking in the world and learning. When it comes to play, the trusted adults and the physical world are your baby’s best playmate. No need for fancy toys – simple rattles, balls, books and blocks will do. Playing peek-a-boo, singing, crawling around and tickling will do more for your baby than any organized class for infants.

Of course, the kind of play that you engage in with your baby depends greatly on his attention span and tolerance for stimulation. Parents can quickly learn the signs that a baby is enjoying the play or needs  a break and is becoming overstimulated.  Clearly a smiling and laughing baby is having a great time – keep it up!  A baby who diverts his gaze away from a parent or turns away is needing a break. Usually a baby will give one of these more subtle signs before crying.  Of course, if he begins to cry, then he is unequivocally saying “enough!”

And moms-pay attention! Research has shown that active play with kids, the kind most typical of dads, affords kids great advantages in terms of their social competence, emotional development, as well as verbal reasoning and problem solving.  So let their dads play away and don’t try to get them to play like you. They have their own style and it is just as important as more toned down play.

Let your baby explore the world on their own. Using their own senses and being the masters of their fun is important as well. If they are content and “doing their own thing” you are not being neglectful. Let them keep growing that ability to entertain themselves.

Whether you feel silly or elated when you talk to your baby in “baby talk”, you should know that you are doing one of your most important jobs as a parent. The high pitched, drawn out, sing songy, repetitive “parent speak”, as it is now called in the field of infant research, is the perfect way to communicate with your baby. “Parent speak” is innate and cross cultural. It is a foundation of language development.

Often you hear parents say they want to talk to their child like they are more grown up so they will learn to speak more quickly, or with more sophistication. They fight the instinct to speak in baby talk. It’s helpful to know that it is precisely speaking this way that paves the way for complex conversation.

Ellen Galinsky, a seasoned professional in child development, lays out the most important research in the field of language acquisition in her new book “Mind in the Making”.  Some of  the best infant research show that parent speak also regulates the mood of the baby and helps children get into the quiet, alert state in which they learn best. So go ahead, make a fool of yourself with abandon- it’s educational!

Food- we can’t live with it and we can’t live without it. This age old lament is sadly how many women experience their relationship to eating, weight and food. Food can be one of our greatest pleasures as well as our most oppressive jail. Once we become mothers we are highly influential in helping form our child’s relationship to eating. This excerpt from A Mother’s Circle takes a closer look at the topic of food and motherhood and all that it encompasses:

Food plays a powerful, elemental role in our lives. It is, and always will be, associated with deeply cherished rituals and celebrations. Tastes and aromas can unlock childhood memories. Meals and eating give a rhythm to the days and mark the passage of seasons and holidays. Feelings about food, eating, and mealtimes from your own childhood will affect your response to feeding your baby.

In addition to one’s own personal history about food, present day attitudes also affect the feeding of your baby. Our culture presents dual, incompatible fantasies: first, a “perfect” (thin) body equals happiness, and second, that fast food is all-American fare. Unavoidable images of model-sleek women pull the rug out from the average female’s respect for her own body and distort her natural appetite. For many teenage girls and women, diet soda and self-denial are a way of life and anorexia is the challenge that symbolizes this. For others, over-indulgence is a different form of obsession. Meanwhile, junk food, fast food and caffeine-laced soft drinks are staples of our national diet. Obesity has become a primary health concern across the country: sixty percent of Americans are overweight.

So even if you have not personally struggled with an eating disorder, it is impossible not to be affected by the cultural norms and expectations about weight and diet. As a mother embarking on the process of teaching another human being about food, it can be helpful and important to look at your own feelings about food, weight and body image.
Many mothers recall tremendous pressure to be thin or conversely, to finish all the food on their plate. By examining your own family of origins’ attitudes about weight and eating you can become aware of unconscious worry that may be provoked by feeding your baby. Many new mothers worry about under- or overfeeding their babies. Monthly visits to the pediatrician that confirm an average and steady weight gain do little to help. Sometimes this worry is set off when a mother and baby have a difficult time getting started with breastfeeding or when, for example, a baby has been extremely fussy and seems to find relief only when she is eating. If a mother’s preoccupations linger despite the fact that her baby is thriving, her own history may offer an explanation.

Many mothers confide that though they never had a weight problem themselves, a siblings’ struggle with food or weight has affected them. These feelings can get tangled up in the feeding process with your new baby and take away from the pleasure of nourishing your infant.
It is no wonder, given all these influences, that some mothers do not trust their babies’ appetites either. But they can. A healthy baby will naturally eat the amount she or he needs. Mothers offer a great gift to their children by giving them a sense of control over the eating process, as well as a natural, unencumbered appreciation for food.

There has been so much controversy and worry in the last ten years about vaccinating babies.  Much of the reason for this began with a 1998 paper in the reputable medical journal Lancet. The paper, by Dr. Andrew Wakefield, linked autism to the MMR vaccine.

That hypothesis, the rise in autism and the media’s amplification of both spread the link between vaccines and autism like wild fire. Cynicism about the pharmaceutical industry and our health care system was the gasoline on that fire.

Parents, frightened over their child’s well being, delayed or even refused to vaccinate their children. So here is some important news for parents. Lancet has recently issued a public retraction of this paper.  NPR reports, “…an official British medical investigation found Wakefield’s methods, quote, ‘dishonest and irresponsible.’” Imagine how many parents have unnecessarily worried and how many children were not vaccinated in the last ten years because of bad science.

Click on the link below to hear a clear, interesting and sound report from NPR’s Morning Edition on the state of vaccines today.

Vaccines’ Benefits Trump Concerns, Experts Say

Watching the love affair between mothers and their babies is a privileged part of working with families at Soho Parenting. It has informed and shaped our academic knowledge about psychological development. Here is an except from our book, A Mother’s Circle that describes that very early relationship. Enjoy!

Attachment and Separation

Attachment and separation are elemental issues between parent and child. Invisible, immeasurably powerful ties connect them. At times these ties will bind and pull; at times they will stretch, turn, and spin. It is a dance that lasts a lifetime.
You and your husband were probably deeply attached to your baby well before he was even born. During the course of the pregnancy a mysterious, expectant relationship is formed with the life growing within. Parents-to-be often talk to their unborn baby, sing to him, “listen” to him hiccup, feel him kick and move. They have heard the tick-tick-tick of their baby’s heart racing along, loud and clear, amplified at the obstetrician’s office. Some have chosen to learn the gender of their baby and even have a name picked out. Well before their child is born, he seems to have an identity and a full, projected life of his own.
Adoptive parents also experience a prenascent attachment as they wait for the news that a baby can be theirs. They project hopes and fears on an unknown, but very real child as they prepare a nest and a place in their hearts for his homecoming. Sometimes expectations are raised only to be dashed. And yet, despite the stress of waiting and not knowing, these candidates for parenthood remain faithfully attached to the idea of a baby in their arms.
Some adoptive parents worry about the separation their child has already experienced. Some focus on the initial encounter and wonder if they will instantly love their adopted baby. We have heard mothers say that they were instantaneously attached to their adopted babies from the first moment they first held them in their arms, while others describe more difficulty in feeling connected. The same can be said of birth mothers, and it is important to know that attachment is not built on first impressions and reactions. Nor does it always happen at the moment of birth, that mythical bonding often described. Rather, connections between a baby and his parents are made in daily trickles and surges, as over time their relationship widens and deepens.

Early Attachment

As you tend to your baby and watch his development unfold you may be filled with unparalleled feelings of love, protectiveness, awe, and pride. You may become aware of how merged with your baby you feel—psychologically, emotionally, and somehow even physically. This merged feeling, this romantic symbiosis of sorts, is exactly what your baby thrives on. He needs you to fall in love with him, for you are his partner, mirror, interpreter, nurturer, savior, mother-love. It is on this base of secure dependence that a baby builds a sense of himself, and a sense of independence.
In the early weeks and months of your baby’s life, although he is undoubtedly dependent on you, it may not be clear that your baby is attached specifically to you. In fact, most infants up to eight weeks appear relatively indiscriminate. They will let almost anybody hold them, change them, or give them a bottle. They look with interest at any engaging face. They do not give clear signs that they recognize their parents. It’s no wonder, then, that a mother may catch herself thinking, “Would any competent pair of hands do?”
Although there is much that is mundane and repetitive in the care of a newborn, the job is far from custodial. Less visible than a brimming laundry basket and diaper pail at the end of the day ar e the myriad connections that have taken place between mother and child. During the course of one twelve-hour day, a new mother may kiss her baby more than a hundred times, have dozens of “conversations” with him, and sing as many songs or nursery rhymes. This loving connection is the treasure hidden in the groundwork of a baby’s daily care. It is the most important goal and the most important accomplishment of the first year. Crucial to his emotional and cognitive development, it is the foundation from which he will establish and enjoy meaningful relationships.
Most new parents would be surprised to learn how reciprocal the attachment process is and how complex and capable their infants are. There is evidence that when a newborn is a few hours old, he recognizes and gravitates toward his parents’ voices and that he can use his sense of smell to differentiate his mother from other new mothers. An infant’s vision is far better than previously believed. And a baby is driven to get loving attention as surely as he is driven to be fed and to sleep.
The connection to your baby, and his to you, grows as you experience all kinds of feelings together, both positive and negative. A colicky infant can be grueling to cope with, upsetting and stressful to his parents. When crying and discomfort far outweigh smiling and cuddling it can be difficult to feel as though a loving relationship is developing. But colicky babies become attached just as other babies do. And so do their parents. In fact, caring for a needy, uncomfortable, or sick infant can make a parent particularly sensitive and responsive to a baby’s needs and comfort levels. As such, difficult periods with your baby may actually contribute to the depth of the relationship, not limit or define it.

As Attachment Grows

Your newborn’s dark, round, unblinking eyes draw you in as surely as a lover’s gaze. His infant yawns and stretches, his quivering hands and velvety skin invite admiration and touch. His first baby smiles, given to you and the world, ensure delight and attention. And then, sometime after his eighth week, his seduction act becomes focused on you alone. You are the one he wants. You are the one that can soothe and settle him and make him shine. No one can match you or replace you. By the time he is twelve weeks, a baby will flaunt his mother-love. When she comes into sight, he turns his head in her direction, his eyes and expression brighten, he kicks, waves his arms, makes sounds and smiles. He has come to know that this someone understands him and takes care of him. Her arms feel right, her smell is familiar and pleasurable, and she knows the rhythms and pace of his days and nights. These intense feelings of closeness can be some of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

Hide and Seek and Peek-A-Boo. Plain and simple. These games of childhood have withstood the test of time and exist across cultures because they provide an important psychological function for babies and children. In play, they enact and reenact losing and finding a special person. This helps children keep the presence of their caregiver in mind, while not in sight. Through the build up of nervous excitement, laughter, and relief — all the elements of a goodbye and reunion are there in compressed form.

So if your baby is starting to cry when you walk out of the room, or your toddler weeps when you leave for work, or your preschooler is glued to your leg crying at drop-off for school, play these games more at home. In addition to the reminder that you always come back, the soothing that the babysitter or teacher provides on the other end is equally important for emotional development.  These largely nonverbal, play and body-based games help your child grow in their ability to tolerate separations from those they love.

Here is an excerpt from A Mother’s Circle on infant feeding. Bon Appetite!

Now that you have finally got the knack of breast or bottle feeding you and your baby are on to a whole new experience. Real food!

Solid foods can be introduced any time between four and six months. Initially, your baby’s eating experience is just that—an experience. She might swallow a little but most of her food will end up on her chin or bib. Once the baby gets used to the experience of eating from a spoon and has more familiarity with new tastes and textures she will generally turn her attention to actively eating.

Learning your Baby’s Signs of Hunger and Fullness
Hunger and fullness are still your guideposts when offering solids. As important as offering food when you think your baby is hungry is allowing her to tell you when she is finished. This may be after two tablespoons or a bowlful of cereal. Try not to cajole your baby into opening her mouth for one more bite because you want the bowl to be clean, even though it might feel good to you. Let your baby tell you when the meal is over. A baby has some very direct ways of saying this. One is to shut her mouth tightly. Another is to turn her head to the side. Another is to spit her food out. Although this seems pretty obvious, it is hard to know whether she is communicating “No more, thank you” or “I want to play for a minute.” One workable rule of thumb is to offer a spoonful twice after the first rejection. If your baby’s answer is “no” two more times, end the feeding.

Mess
Throughout a baby’s first year, eating solids and making a mess are synonymous. A baby will want to touch, squeeze, paint with and smear food everywhere. Her eyes remain completely innocent as she gives herself an oatmeal facial or a carrot shampoo. It may be easier to see the humor in this if you keep in mind that this will not last forever. Most mothers agree, however, that day in and day out, the mess a baby makes with food requires patience, tolerance and plenty of cleaning up.
There is no way to stop a baby from getting messy while learning to eat solid foods. One idea to cut down on the laundry is to let your baby enjoy the messiest meal in the evening, with just her diaper and T-shirt on. Then you can take your baby directly to the bath from the high chair. Remember, a primary goal is for your baby to get a sense that eating is fun—that mealtimes are interesting, positive, and enjoyable, and that she can explore a little bit and control a little bit. Your baby may want to eat and then baby talk and laugh with you, or rub her hands in the food. She is in the process of learning a whole new way of eating.

Appetite Changes
It is not imperative that your baby eats the same amount at every meal. Like adults, babies can be more or less hungry on different days. Don’t worry if there are days when your baby won’t eat much at all. All babies have appetite and growth spurts as well as lulls throughout this period.
Mothers often ask what time of day to introduce the first meal and how to space solid meals and liquid ones. Start the first feeding at a time when both you and your baby can relax into it the most. If you have to rush out to work in the morning, start with dinner, if the morning is your quietest time, start with breakfast. The “dining ambience” is more important than the time of day.
A typical eating schedule for a baby who has increased to three meals a day is outlined below. The milk feedings are breast or bottle feedings. You can offer a “sippy” cup with water along with meals in the high chair. Remember these are approximate times.
7:00 A.M.:    milk
8:00 A.M.:    solid breakfast
9:30 A.M.:    nap
11:00 A.M.:    milk
12:00 P.M.:    solid lunch
1:00 P.M.:    nap
4:00 P.M.:    milk
5:00 P.M.:    solid dinner
7:00 P.M.:    milk

Independence
As your baby grows, her desire for independence will increase but not uniformly in all areas of development. Her increase in autonomy regarding feeding may happen at six or seven months or not until the end or even beyond the first year. When it does happen, her opinions will become noticeably stronger and she will want to try to do things without your help. She may want to hold her spoon herself or she may want to scoop up her cereal with her hands. She may reject foods she had been eating with pleasure and show curiosity about new ones.
When your baby begins to show interest in feeding herself, you may not be able to tell the difference between eating and creative play. To allow for your baby’s independent efforts and also get her fed, try using two spoons—one for her to play with and one for you to feed her with. Encourage your baby to feed herself and to try new things but allow her to develop at her own rate. Some days she will feel less ambitious than others and will want you to feed her.
Some babies by nature are simply more finicky about food. This can be frustrating, but it is important to recognize and accept. If your baby wants only to eat four or five different foods and rejects all others, supply what she likes. Eating should not be an arena for confrontation. If you give her  the message that what she likes is alright with you, you will sidestep battles about food that might otherwise last for years. Continue to introduce and offer new foods and encourage new tastes, but don’t force the issue. Her tastes will broaden naturally with time.
People usually think of a balanced diet in terms of a single meal. With babies and young children eating habits are so erratic that this balance usually occurs only over the course of a week or even up to a month. If your baby only wants to eat applesauce and cereal for three days in a row, and then switches to carrots and Cheerios for two days and then will only eat yogurt and macaroni for the next two, any given day seems unbalanced. But judged as a whole, over a longer period of weeks, her intake has been fairly well balanced.

It seems when it comes to babies and sleep the discussion is as heated as the Democrats vs. the Republicans.  Your baby’s sleep should not be a pawn in partisan parenting politics! There doesn’t need to be two camps –the “cry it out” party vs. the “never let my baby cry” party.  Let’s calm down the rhetoric and just look at some very simple and gentle ways to help your baby get the sleep she needs.

Parents have been following Soho Parenting’s sleep advice for over twenty years and we have helped thousands of babies become and remain great sleepers!

Birth – Three Months:

Practice putting your baby down on her back whenever she is in a quiet, alert state, anytime from birth on.  If she falls asleep after being fed and rocked, lay her on her back swaddled up tight. The goal of putting the baby down when she is awake or asleep and comfortable is to build connections between lying down and contentedness. Experience adds up over time and becomes meaningful even in a tiny baby.

The next thing on the path to great sleep is to differentiate day from night. From about eight weeks on you can start to think of your baby’s bedtime somewhere between 6 pm and 8 pm.  This is “bedtime” even if your baby will eat or awaken many times between “bedtime” and “morning time”.  Treat every wake up after “bedtime” as a night waking.  Handle these wakings with the least amount of intervention: dim or no lights, whispering, changing diapers only when you hear or feel that it is a necessity, and keeping the goal of getting her back to sleep in the front of your mind. You and your partner need to be on board to avoid those middle of the night arguments that come hand in hand with sleep deprivation. Just concentrate on getting that baby back to sleep.  Sadly, this means not watching the Daily Show or Friends reruns at eleven with the baby after those first few months. Not feeling overstimulated by nighttime hoopla, your baby will adjust to a day/night cycle

Now it is time to establish your bedtime routine. Bath, boob or bottle and books is a typical one, but you can get creative! Put the baby down when she is drowsy and work on helping her fall asleep while she is laying in the bassinet or crib – this takes more work but will pay off in the end.  Of course some babies just can’t settle on their own or with only minimal help so do what you need to soothe your baby in these early months.

Babies often surprise us.  We have seen countless mothers in groups and individually who swear that if her baby is put down she will immediately freak out.  When put to the test – lo and behold, with a bit of patting or jiggling, the baby quiets and stays that way for a period of time. Therefore, we encourage you to keep experimenting. If your baby is crying and uncomfortable by all means do what ever it takes to calm her. Remember that in these early months the physical connection between you and your baby is primal and necessary but helping your baby feel comfortable in her own skin, with you nearby, is important as well. Finding the midpoint between closeness and helping to regulate her biological need for sleep will help your baby thrive.

Three to Six Months

Once your baby gets used to falling asleep at approximately the same time every day, the next point of focus is slowly weaning out nighttime feedings. After your baby is over 12 weeks and 12 pounds you can BEGIN to move towards the goal of not feeding during the night.

Very important medical reasons support this move — one of course being your sanity — but for a baby, night feedings after they are nutritionally necessary become too much work for her body.  Think of your baby as being see through or clear.  If you could watch the bodily processes of sucking, swallowing, digestion, peeing, pooping and getting rid of gas you would realize that what appears to be a simple activity is actually revving up the metabolism. Your goal should be to quiet the baby so the brain can cycle through the different levels of sleep.  We now have much research to prove that these deeper levels of sleep are critical to both her bodily needs and also the intellectual processing.  Begin to consider nighttime as your baby’s opportunity to digest information, not milk.

Many babies will drop one or two feedings on their own as they approach three to four months, and these techniques will help move your infant even further in that direction.  Slowly reduce the number of ounces given. For instance, if your baby takes a six ounce bottle twice a night at one and four o’clock,  start with just one feeding and reduce the amount by one ounce or minute every few days. If you are nursing you can either reduce the number of minutes or just feed on one side at the first feeding and the second side at the next waking. The baby’s stomach will adjust to having less and less milk. This is a slow and gentle way to help your baby comfortably give up a feeding. Once you reach the point where your baby is only receiving one or two ounces/minutes, you can feel certain that she is no longer waking because of a NEED for food. The night you decide not to feed – and if your baby awakens and is crying – first offer a pacifier, water or soothingly pat her back to sleep. If the baby becomes more upset, then leaving the room and letting her figure it out might result in some tears but also in her finding her own special way to soothe herself back to sleep. No doubt, this process will feel much more difficult than just feeding the baby, but it is worth the effort as the ultimate goal is her sleeping for longer stretches of time.

Remember, your job is to help guide the baby’s body toward not requiring a late night feeding. If you have followed this, your baby should be getting her last feed of the day in the 6:30 pm range, one feeding in the middle of the night, and her next eating in the morning – anytime after six. The next step will be to cut out the one remaining feeding in the same way.

Day Time Sleep

Here are some additional things to be done during the day that will assist you in reaching your goal of eleven to twelve hours of nighttime sleep and at least three hours of daytime sleep. Notice that your baby will want to go back to sleep soon after she wakes up in the morning. This can be taken as another reminder of how much sleep she needs to fuel herself while growing in leaps and bounds. A pattern will begin to develop – she will become cranky about one to two hours after waking.  Capitalize on this natural pattern and as your baby moves into her fourth month of life decide on a specific time within that range, for example 8:15 or 8:30 am.  Once designated, begin to think of this as “nap time”. Stop following patterns and use the clock to establish a daytime schedule.  Do a very abbreviated routine–change into “day clothes” sing a little song and become dedicated to putting the baby down at the same time every day.

Another tip to help the process — the more you put the baby down in the exact same way, same place and same time, the easier it is for her to count on these routines.  Your baby is quickly learning to associate and remember things in her brain and body.  Repetition is both respectful and crucial because it communicates what is to come next to your baby.  Soon, you will be able depend on this morning nap. The two remaining naps will fall into place a bit later. A typical schedule is 8:30 am, 12:30 pm and 3 :30 pm. One nap will drop out between 5 and 8 months and the two nap schedule can last well into the second year.

Prepare yourself — this transition will come with fits and starts.  There will be days that seem haywire — and days that feel smooth and wonderful. This is to be expected and is truly the essence of taking care of children. You are looking to establish a routine that you count on — most of the time — creating structure to the day. Do not fret if it all seems to have gone down the tubes after one hard day.  Instead, think of any mishap as a glitch, a ripple and stay your course.

As for crying, an issue strong enough to birth a parenting divide, it is a part of human life. A communication, a release, a sign of discomfort when we go through big transitions. Some crying is inevitable as your baby learns to soothe herself but if you follow these guidelines she will cry the least amount of time possible. Just enough to learn something very important and fundamental.

For over twenty years we have been counseling families on a wide variety of parenting issues, such as discipline, sibling rivalry, and toilet training. The vast majority of parents, however, seek us out for help with their children’s sleep problems. These parents, tense and bleary-eyed from their own lack of sleep, are in need of guidance, yet understandably wary of subscribing to a method that may be emotionally detrimental to their child now or in the future. Parents’ worries are often magnified by the controversy and misinformation about sleep circulating today. We would like to take this opportunity to clarify our ideas about children and sleep in the context of our Responsive Parenting philosophy.

We are often asked, “Do you believe in letting babies cry?” or “Are you ‘family bed’ advocates?” Although we do not ascribe to any one method of “sleep training” for all families to follow, we do hold strongly to some basic tenets about the importance of sleep.

•    Sleep is one of a child’s most basic needs. Parents should consider it primary fuel, as important as milk.

•    It is a parent’s responsibility, not a child’s, to ensure that a child gets the correct amount of sleep.

•    All children of the same age bracket require approximately the same amount of sleep.

•    Children vary significantly in how easy or difficult it is to get them the sleep they need.

•    Without the right amount of sleep, children are compromised in obvious and subtle ways that can be detrimental to their overall growth and development.

Keeping these important ideas in the forefront, how do we help parents to get their children the sleep they need? At Soho Parenting, counseling sessions are customized to each individual family’s needs. We take into account the child’s age, living situation, parents’ work schedules, child’s medical history, as well as recent events that may effect our discussion of how to proceed, such as the birth of a sibling or a recent move.  We then set up a step-by-step plan of how to implement appropriate routines and structures that will insure that the child will get the right amount of sleep and develop the ability to fall asleep with a sense of security and comfort. Parents can then be in touch by phone or by email as they proceed, to get support, report progress and make any necessary changes in the plan.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for parents is the fear of having their child cry. Crying is a very difficult issue for many parents and we often hear statements like:

“I can’t stand having my baby cry. She’ll think we’ve abandoned her.”
“He’ll stop trusting us and be insecure.”
“She’ll be afraid and all alone.”

It is understandable how this intense worry about crying has developed in parents. But in helping a child to achieve regulated sleep patterns some crying is often necessary. Crying is a natural part of the human repertoire; a certain amount of crying in the service of learning something very important will not harm children. There is even ample evidence that crying in a controlled way to learn to sleep as an infant helps with later sleep problems and reduces maternal depression.

We would like to put this worry into a historical and societal context. Parent-child relationships have been enriched immeasurably by strides made in the 1980’s and 1990’s in understanding children’s emotional lives. But there has been an unfortunate negative outcome as well − pervasive worry about emotionally damaging babies and children. Parenting advice from the previous generation was deemed old-fashioned and unsympathetic to children’s psychological needs. A mixture of popular psychology and influential childrearing advice has strongly advocated an almost constant gratification of children’s needs in order to promote “healthy self-esteem.” This has inadvertently put tremendous pressure on parents who then feel selfish and remiss if they frustrate and upset their child.

These ideas have had a tremendous impact on the arena of children’s sleep. Rather than allowing their child to be uncomfortable and unhappy or frustrated even for brief periods, parents sometimes opt instead for months, and even years, of sleepless or interrupted nights. This can deprive a child of a basic need, as well as compromising the entire family’s functioning.

At Soho Parenting we advocate responsive parenting, which we believe is a more balanced approach to childrearing. It takes into account the importance of connection and comfort, as well as the structure and limits that are essential for children’s psychological growth. Responsive parenting means that sometimes you will respond with comfort, sometimes with distraction, sometimes with explanation. Often though, it will be holding back from responding that will be the most appropriate action. Holding back can leave enough room for your child to develop a new skill of her own. Making thoughtful decisions about when to respond by comforting a child and when to respond by setting a limit is a critically important part of being a responsive and responsible parent.

We know from our own experience as parents and from the many hundreds of families we have worked with that regulated sleep habits for children makes the whole endeavor of parenting easier and provides an important structure that can carry through all of the school years. Helping a child learn the fine art of sleep is a huge gift to him and his entire family for now and years to come.

One of the sweetest and most treasured memories of our children’s early childhood is the nightly bath. Although tired and spent from the long day, it is a time to sit down and enjoy the wonderful world of a child in water. Pretend play, bubble fun, talk and laughing not to mention the pleasure of watching your child’s beautiful naked body swim around and get squeaky clean .

The never-ending  domestic duties of parenthood – bathing, feeding, bedtime, dressing, walking to school, running errands, giving snacks, refereeing fights,  all can seem repetitive and mundane. And in truth, these jobs are all of these things–monotonous, hilarious, boring, tender, frustrating, and gratifying. One  rarely gets a thank you or any kind of recognition.  These are the jobs that are tempting to put in a category of custodial, and therefore not  important.

Society in general, and parents in particular, need to value the importance of these tasks. They are the  very fabric of the intimate relationship with your children.  During the bath, the walk to school, or home from ballet or karate, relationships deepen, values get transmitted and children feel cared for and known.  In our busy world “quality time” has become synonomous with special activities. These every day routines are special activities and our involvement with them is  meaningful to our children. We are not  advocating that any one person should have to do all of this with no help from other people, hired or otherwise. But  we are reminding us all that these are not just the tasks to be “outsourced”.  They matter and will have a lasting impact.