Here is some sensitivity training about divorce. To say divorce is provocative is an understatement.  Though approximately 40% of couples divorce, people experiencing divorce can still feel like an outcast. It is common for friends or acquaintances to fade away and seem uncomfortable around you – as if it were catchy.  Married friends are often frightened by separation. “If that could happen to you maybe that could happen to me,” clangs in their heads. Out of this insecurity some friends feel compelled to wax on about how great their marriage is, lessening their capacity to be supportive.

On the other hand, your divorce may cause jealousy. Your new freedom, a sense of liberation and empowerment, new romantic partners – it’s enough to drive a moderately unhappily married friend insane. Those people may want to live vicariously through you, or judge you because of the way your new life makes them look at their own.

There are of course, friends who are there through thick and thin and can manage their reactions. Acquaintances can surprise you with incredible empathy and support.  So remember, for the divorced and married alike — try not to judge and be aware of your reactions.  Life takes unexpected turns and if we can support each other the journey is much, much easier.

This piece from Straight Talk On Relationships explains how keeping your partner accountable while maintaining a loving attitude towards them is a mandatory part of a successful relationship.

ACCOUNTABILITY AND CHERISHING: A NECESSARY BALANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS

In my work with women, I often stress the importance of not settling in their relationships.  Too many women end up taking poor treatment, staying with active addicts or trying to coax a philanderer back to their bed.  I work with the women to set limits, hold their partners accountable and to ask for what they want rather than getting resentful for what they’re not getting.  The other side to this is to also be cherishing.

Holding our loved ones accountable for their behaviors is vital for both women and men; it’s a necessary component in any relationship. Many people, however, struggle with holding others accountable.  This struggle intensifies if the other person is at all volatile, controlling or intense.  Some people just wish others would act better and in the mean time they settle for what they’re given.

Not holding others accountable, however, does not help your relationship—nor does it help your partner, child, friend or whoever it is that you’re not holding accountable. Saying nothing about poor behavior sends the message that the behavior is fine.  It also sends the message that you will take whatever kind of treatment they give you.

When people don’t stand up for themselves, it results in a loss of respect — a loss of respect by others and for themselves.  The bottom line is you cannot have healthy relationships without accountability.

Equally as vital to relationships, however, is cherishing.  If a relationship is all about accountability, but has little cherishing in it, it won’t last.  Sometimes women, especially, will go from being kind at all costs to the extreme opposite end of only sharing about what they don’t like.  They become the relationship police.  They don’t ever want to be taken advantage of again so they are constantly on their partner about what they are doing wrong.  This will not work.

We need to remember that relationships are meant to fuel us.  They are meant to add to our lives, not zap us of energy.  We need to have the strength to call others out on the actions they do that hurt us while also appreciating the kind acts they do that fuel us. Too much in one direction or the other will hurt our relationships.  We need to find the balance.

Be loving and strong at the same time.  You will feel better for it and your partner will respect you more.

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships explains the importance of taking control and accountability of your own emotions – enjoy!

RELATIONSHIP CHANGE: TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIP BY TRANSFORMING YOURSELF

by Lisa Merlo Booth

If you truly want to transform your relationships, then start by transforming yourself.  Begin by looking at yourself rather than your partner.  Pay attention to your relational mistakes and change them.  If you’re too controlling—back off.  If you’re too weak—get stronger.  If you’re too strong—soften. If you’re defensive and dismissive—listen with humility.

Stop putting the onus of control for your behavior on your partner. Your behavior is 100% your responsibility.  Always.  No one makes you be critical, passive-aggressive, controlling or intimidating.  You do that ALL by yourself.  Stop defending your position and start changing your actions.

Know that we all have our fault lines or, as I like to say, our edges.  Our edges are those behaviors that aren’t serving us.  They’re typically the behaviors that those closest to us complain about.  When we can own these edges with humility and have compassion and love for ourselves despite them, it is an incredibly freeing life shift.  Stop dismissing, justifying, rationalizing or blaming your edges on others and instead address them head on.  Change your side of the equation and it will force a change in the entire system: Changing Me, Changes We.

“I’m too tired”, “We’re just too tired”, “Do we have to schedule it on our Blackberry’s”, “Who has time for sex, I need to pump”, are just some of the comments we hear from new mothers. The transition from being a couple without children to parents typically takes a pretty big toll on your sex life. Spontaneity, extra energy, tight tummies and libido may seem gone and never to return. Many couples really struggle to bring back an intimate, physically connected, satisfying sexual relationship after kids.

Sex is often hard to talk about even in the most communicative relationships. Often the subject is joked about, or argued about but not really discussed. So here are some suggestions given by women over the last two decades that have made the transition to being sexual and parents at the same time.

• Don’t worry–this is all normal. Every couple goes through tremendous changes in their sex life after having children.
• Don’t make assumptions about what your spouse is thinking. No one is a mind reader.
• Talking is the best aphrodisiac. Getting close emotionally about the changes makes couples more apt to reconnect sexually.
• It is normal to feel satisfied from the physicality with the baby and to feel less of a need or desire for sex.
• Some lubrication is necessary be it wine or KY or both.
• Do schedule it! It can become an exciting and fun private joke to know that Saturday nap time, or Thursday nights are your time.
• Fake it ’til you make it. Many feel a resistance to begin having sex but once they push themselves past that point they are so happy that they did.
• Just one night alone without the baby can have a lasting effect–so line up those grandparents or good friends and go to a hotel or just be alone in your own place.
• Women are hard on themselves about weight gain. Don’t assume your husband feels negatively toward your body.

The added responsibilities, the physical changes, the stress that parenting brings, naturally shifts your sexual desire and changes to your pre-baby sexual frequency. Try not to focus on how it was- but more on how to make the present fulfilling for you and your partner.

It is easy to get caught up in defending ourselves when it comes to communicating, especially when you feel attacked.  This piece from Straight Talk On Relationships describes the importance of taking yourself off the defense, gaining an attitude of humility and working through conflict together.

THE ART OF GOOD LISTENING: HUMILITY VERSUS DEFENSIVENESS

ALERT! Women are still making 77 cents on the dollar! Sylvia Ann Hewlett, an economist and the founder of the Center for Work-Life Policy has estimated that the penalty is 10% of income for every two years out of the job market, a loss that is never recouped. If a woman divorces, the Rutgers Divorce Project states, her standard of living decreases by 27% and a man’s increases by 10%. So between lower wages in general, no social security benefits for full time mothers, and divorce rates holding between 40 and 50%, what’s a woman to do?

Here’s an idea that you and your spouse can implement which takes these facts into consideration. Not romantic, but realistic and fiscally responsible planning. How about a Family Insurance Plan?  A self-made insurance policy for the mother who stays at home for a number of years. Each year you can put aside a percentage of the family income toward this safety net. We get life insurance so that our family is cared for if we die, so why wouldn’t we honor the work being done at home and protect your family financially at the same time.

Whenever this is suggested in Mother’s groups, women first get excited and then deflate- fearful about bringing this up with their husbands. Men and women alike have difficulty attaching a monetary value to being the family manager. More importantly, woman are worried that bringing this up feels like a vote of no confidence in the marriage.

On the contrary, this is a protective forward-thinking gift to the whole family. You address the financial sacrifice that women make by deciding to either decrease, or stop their work outside the home, and you protect your children from undue financial hardship. Sounds like a win-win!

Motherhood can be an oddly lonely time of life.  It is ironic that in some ways you may have never felt so connected to another human being and so alone at the same time.  Surrounded by a sea of other mothers you can still feel isolated.  Even if you have a partner who is invested  in the details of your children’s lives, the nature of our society and the division of labor demands that most of the time we parent alone.

Lisa and I were exceedingly  lucky. We met while working at Bellevue Hospital before we had our first children, who coincidentally  came within months of each other. During the early months of new motherhood, now at home with our babies,  we moved from being colleagues to being each others friends, confidants, and second set of eyes, ears and hands for each others’ children. We counted on each other for honest feedback and advice.  It is this combination, knowing each other and each others’ children deeply that turned what could have been a lonely endeavor into a shared journey. We also hatched the plan for our current practice with its mother’s groups during that time. Much of the impetus was our desire to create the kind of forum, support and companionship we had found in each other for other new parents.

We have now been running these groups for 22 years.  Our longest running group is 16 years old! Once a week for 1 and 1/2 hours 7-10 mothers (and a handful of dads) meet in our comfortable and peaceful office and talk. These parenting groups are the place where mothers can find the companionship, support and honest feedback. It is here they can share any and all aspects of life- marriage, families of origin, babysitters, friendships, work, sex, weight, anger,the gamut. and as many of the groups continue over the years  and families grow, the breadth and scope of these discussions grow as well- sibling rivalry, marital discord, choosing schools, teaching kids about sex, deciding about religion, again the gamut. There is  always tons of laughing and plenty of tears.

It has been an honor and a pleasure for us to lead and participate in these groups. We asked group members to share what this experience has meant for them:

“Our group gives me a safe, neutral place where I can candidly bring all my questions, doubts, fears and celebrations to bear without having to screen for judgment.  I know I have an incredibly talented therapist along with six other remarkable mothers who are all in my corner. Probably not a day goes by that I don’t refer back to some parenting tool, skill or philosophy took away from my Soho Parenting Mothers Circle.”   Cara Marriott, full time mother of 3

“I can’t imagine journeying down this complicated yet joyous path of motherhood without it.  I get insight and wisdom on all aspects of parenting as well as guidance with compassion and learned expertise.” Anne Patterson, set and costume designer, mother of 3

“I was so fortunate to be in a Mothers Circle at Soho Parenting. I looked forward to it every Monday, having coffee and talking with other moms. We talked about many different issues that were so important.  I have passed on so much information Lisa gave me that I seem like the expert!  I really loved the group!” Molly Shannon, actor, mother of 2

“Jean and the other mothers in my circle group have been an incredibly valuable resource and I am always amazed at what I learn about myself and my own relationships when I come in to talk about my “parenting issues.”   Jennifer Daniels, full time mother of 3

” As a new mother- Soho Parenting was and still is my oasis- joining a group of other mothers/fathers who were just as committed, mystified and terrified as I was – is by far the most rewarding investment …3 kids and 6 years later our parenting group is still together – still helping each other through ever-changing terrain.”   Debra Eisenstadt, actress, director, writer and mother of 3

” I have been in a Mothers Circle for almost a year now, and it has saved my life as a parent. Jean not only offers us the developmental back story on what is happening inside the minds and bodies of our kids, but has a real intuitive grasp on who they are as individuals.”   Leslie Astor, full time mother of 3

“What is Soho Parenting to me?  My keel.  My family is the ship… Soho Parenting keeps us steady as we sail!”   Norma Katz, full time mother of 2

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships is right to the point and very helpful!

Remove The Phrase “You’re Too Sensitive” From Your List Of Responses In Your Relationship

Telling your loved one that they’re too sensitive when they ask you to lower your tone/harshness is dismissive and damaging to a relationship.  When you’re talking to someone, you’re not the judge of your tone, they are.  They know how it comes across to them, you don’t.  Regardless of whether you meant to be harsh or not, if they hear it as such—change your tone and energy.

We all have a tone every now and then.  It’s not a big deal to be human & consequently imperfect.  It is a big deal to turn it around on your partner.  Calling your partner sensitive is a cop out on your part.  Instead of worrying about yourself, worry about how your partner is feeling treated.

There have been very few incidents when the reality truly was that the person was too sensitive.  I’ve worked with hundreds of couples and trust me the odds of your partner being too sensitive versus you having a tone (or the like) are slim.  Just cop to it, apologize, CHANGE YOUR TONE and move on.  You’ll be amazed at how this one shift will change your relationship!

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships offers great insight into enhancing your ability to support your partner.  Enjoy!

THE ART OF BEING SUPPORTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

By Lisa Merlo Booth

For those of you who struggle with supporting your partner, here’s a cheat sheet for you:
1.    Join them where they are.  If your partner comes to you with an idea they are excited about—first join them in their excitement.  Do not start with all the reasons why their idea will not work.  When you talk about all the negatives right off the bat, you’re a major downer!  Stop throwing a bucket of water on your partner’s idea and just listen.  The same is true when they come home and talk about something cool that happened at work.  Just because it’s not something you would think is cool doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy their energy around it.
2.    Pay attention to their energy.  Some partners don’t readily talk about their struggles.  If this is true for your partner, learn to listen to what is unspoken and check in.  “Honey would you like a hug?  You look beat.” “Honey, you seem down. Is everything okay?”  If they don’t want to talk, just let them know you’re here if they change their mind or want to run anything by you.
3.    Listen with the ear of a friend.  If your partner is struggling at work or with friends or even with parenting—first be on their side.  Too often we’re quick to point out what our partners did that was wrong or should do next time that we forget to just be their friend.  Don’t try to fix it or point out where your partner was off—just listen.  Every once in a while let them know you’re sorry they had a hard day.  Do not offer advice unless you ask them if they want it.
4.     Lead with a gift.  If they say that they would like advice, make sure you lead with a gift.  Do not just launch into all the things they didn’t do well, instead start with what they did do well.  For example if they’re upset about parenting, you might say, “First off, honey I know you love our children very much.  I also know you’re really working hard to teach them how to be responsible, which I think is great.  Sometimes I worry though that you may be pushing the responsibility part harder than you do the relationship.  I believe that if you let up a bit on the responsibility part, it will help your relationship with our son.”  The gift must be heart felt and genuine—not just words you’re throwing out so you can get to the advice.
5.    Breathe and use a pause button.  If your partner comes home with a BIG idea (such as quitting their job or moving to a different country), remember to breathe.  Just because they have this idea doesn’t mean they are going to do it.  Once you’ve slowed yourself down, listen to the idea with an open mind—knowing that listening does not mean agreeing.  If you’re too agitated to talk calmly, just tell your partner you’ll need to think about what they said for a few days.  Later get some space and figure out what your concerns are and what information you need in order to be better able to take your partner’s idea seriously.  Too often, one partner gets reactive and angry in response to the other partner’s “crazy” idea.  If you’re that reactive then chances are your reactivity is about you not the idea or your partner.
6.    Check in.  If you know your partner is going through a tough time at work due to layoffs or new management, etc. then check in with them.  Let them know you’re aware things are stressful and that you have their back.  If they are facing layoffs—you need to stay calm in the storm.  Let your partner know that you will manage whatever happens as a team.  Do not tell your partner that they had better not get laid off.  That’s ridiculous and unfair pressure to put on them.  Be their backbone during this time.

So few of us are taught how to communicate effectively and with respect. Couples in particular, deep in the parenting trenches where emotions run high are likely to say things they regret. Here’s the remedy, a five step communication strategy from Terry Real. Listen and watch the first clip which outlines the process.

This clip illustrates a very common marital argument where no holes are barred.

Now let’s watch Lisa and Laura work on this same conflict using the five steps for healthy communication:

The speaker follows these steps. The listener’s job is to be curious, quiet and non defensive. You will have your turn later.

1. Ask permission to speak.

2. State what happened objectively, as if a camera caught it on tape.

3. List the emotions you felt.

4. Now describe your interpretation using the sentence, “And what I made up about that is….”

5. Ask for what you would prefer in the future.

The listener now responds:

1. Own up to whatever part of the complaint you have actually done.

2. Apologize for what you feel sorry about.

3. Reassure your partner that you will take steps to change that behavior.

Now the former listener gets to be the speaker. She gets the chance to voice her complaints and reactions, but in a similarly respectful way. Using these guidelines may initially feel awkward and forced but with time the tenor of your arguing moves from damaging to productive.