by Lisa Merlo Booth

In my work with couples, I often hear the men complain that there’s not enough sex and the women complain that the men always want more.  What’s up?  Besides the likely differences in sexual appetites, there are a lot of things men are doing that’s shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to increased physical intimacy with their wives/partners.

If you’d like to increase the amount of sexual intimacy in your relationship, below are 5 things NOT to do:

1.    Don’t turn every kiss, hug or handholding into a sign that you might get lucky. Women complain all the time that they can’t even hug their partners without them turning it into a sexual move.  Really men?  Aren’t we past the adolescent days of even the wind blowing getting you excited? The more you turn the slightest act of affection into a sexual come on, the less affection your partner will show you.  Don’t be desperate—it’s a huge turn off.

2.    Don’t have sex be the only time you show any affection. As Dr. Phil often says, “Foreplay should start 24 hours in advance of being sexual.”  It takes more for women to get into the mood than men and men need to know that.  Be loving, playful and affectionate long before you actually do the act.  Give her compliments, hold her hand, tell her you love her and act like you actually like spending time with her.

3.    Don’t be a jerk 90% of the time and then expect that your wife will want to be sexual with you. Your wife/partner does not “owe” you sex.  This is crazy thinking that I hear from men all the time.  If you’re generally a pill to be around then don’t be surprised that your partner isn’t feeling intimate.  Stop the anger, harsh tones and meanness.  Similarly, don’t barely speak to her day-to-day and then wonder why she’s not feeling close.  Be engaged and respectful and act as though you love her if you want her to act as though she loves you.

4.    Don’t have her be responsible for the house, the kids, the food and your entertainment—even if she doesn’t have a job outside the home. Being the sole person responsible for the home and children is like being single; that’s not what she signed up for.  Remember that if your partner is the one home caring for the family, this does not mean that her job should be 24/7 while yours is only 12 hours a day 5 days a week.  Help…or watch her burn out.

5.    Don’t make derogatory comments about your partner’s body. If you would like her to take better care of herself, have an honest, respectful and loving conversation.  Don’t throw out digs to get her to notice. Similarly, don’t point out the hot bodies of other women or ogle them in front of her and then wonder why your partner isn’t interested in being sexual with you.

In general, if you want a more loving relationship, you have to be more loving.  Be cherishing, show interest in her life and world and have sex be something that adds to your marriage/relationship not a duty that is owed to you.  If you don’t add the relational aspect to the picture, sex will become a chore to your partner.  Eventually she will grow tired of doing another chore and lose any sexual desire she may have had.

Household duties have long been a battle ground for couples, especially when children enter the picture. Ruth David Konigsberg’s recent cover article in Time Magazine, Chore Wars, sheds new light on on the age old perception that women do much more work than men. After doing her research, Konigsberg reports that hours spent in paid and unpaid labor for men and women in 2011 are practically the same. This is not to say that chores are split 50/50, but the extra amount of time men spend in the office counter-balances the time not helping in the home. The exact number, 8 hours and 11 minutes for men and 8 hours and 3 minutes for women per day, has never been as equal as it is now.

What’s more, Konigsberg sites data from the The New Male Mystique, which shows that it is fathers who are having a harder time handling dual roles of professional and parent – not mothers. The imbalance over household jobs clearly isn’t completely gone, nor are the frustrated and overwhelmed feelings that accompany. But it does look like we are slowly getting closer to equal.

 

by Lisa Merlo Booth

A common union I see in couples is a very strong woman partnered with a fairly passive man.  The men often say their partners are overbearing, controlling, intense, critical and never satisfied.  The women say the men don’t talk, are walled off, often passive-aggressive and say yes just to get the women off their backs.  Often they’re both right: the women are over the top and the men are too passive.

If you’re a male and happen to be living with a woman who matches the descriptions above, here’s your cheat sheet for being in relationship with her.

1.    Stop ducking in response to intensity.  The worst thing you can do with an angry woman (or man for that matter) is to duck.  If your partner is coming at you with high intensity (yelling, swearing, raging, name-calling, etc.), then set a limit on the intensity.  Don’t try to talk her down or jump to do what she’s asking of you until you address the way she is speaking to you.

2.    Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Learn to become a man of integrity and stop lying to avoid her intensity.  Do not just “yes” her to get her off your back.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Otherwise, say no.

3.    Ask for your needs and wants.  Stop being resentful that you’re constantly trying to please her and stand up for yourself.  Healthy relationships require that both partners ask for their needs and wants.  The more you try to do what she wants without asking for what you want, the more resentful you will get.  Pay attention to what you want and learn to ask for it.

4.    Don’t play the victim.  Too many passive men act as if their wives/partners make their lives miserable.  No-one has the power to make your life miserable without you allowing it.  Look at how your behaviors contribute to your unhappiness and address those.

5.    Be direct.  Do not sideswipe your partner by throwing out underhanded comments, sarcastic quips or disdainful looks.  If you’re not happy about something—speak it.  Don’t stoop to being passive-aggressive by emotionally withholding or being behaviorally irresponsible.  Those are child-like responses to adult issues; step up like an adult and address things directly.

If you’re with a woman who you believe struggles with intensity, start looking at what you’re doing that is not helping the situation.  Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect at all times.  If your wife or partner is highly intense or reactive, she is not being respectful.  It’s your job to teach her how to treat you.  Do not play the victim to her rants…or you will ensure they will continue.

Healing our “Connective Tissue” by Carrie Krawiec, LMFT

Yogis have long known the healing power of turning into oneself and deeply stretching one’s muscles and ligaments — while also stretching one’s mental focus, tuning out the static and noise of the world outside. This practice, thousands of years old, has far-reaching physical, mental, and spiritual benefits for the individual, and it fosters a sense of community and fellowship for the group.

In Yin Yoga class, practitioners hold nonmuscular poses to delve into connective tissue, healing joints, tendons, and ligaments. Recently, the instructor said in a slow, smooth voice, “There is a reason why there are only 10 of you here this morning.. We live in a society that does not value turning into ourselves, focusing on our values, or taking the actions necessary to facilitate our intentions.” How true. We live in a culture that instead turns out or tunes out; we turn to iPads and smartphones to get relief from daily burdens.

Perhaps this observation resonated so deeply with me because, as a marriage and family therapist, I often see the breakdown of “connective tissue” in individuals, couples, and families. No one is shocked to hear that Americans have the highest rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and obesity in the world. Turning out and away from our burdens naturally leads us to seek relief from outside. This temporary relief may come in the form of food, alcohol, prescriptions, hours spent on Facebook or Farmville, gambling, shopping binges, or infidelity. Such activities damage our “connective tissue” to our unique values and intentions — and prohibit us from taking the actions to reach our goals. Likewise, these activities also damage the “connective tissue” of our relationships with those we hold closest.

Just as the practice of yoga can be strenuous and challenging, the practice of turning in to ourselves will likely be painful and difficult at times.

Just as yoga helps the body to melt away soreness and tension, shifting our focus to our true values and needs will help to ease the emptiness and anxiety that often cause us to look for external solutions.

Whether it’s within the practice of yoga or within the context of the individual or family, the act of turning inward involves behavioral, emotional, and cognitive adjustments.  An initial — and rudimentary — behavioral change is simply to turn off everything electronic. Silence the radio and cell phone on the way to work, and ask your child to turn off his iPod or DSI. The silence will help you hear your own worries, questions, intentions, and goals — and those of your child or partner.  Emotionally, make an effort to be patient, positive, and open, both with yourself and others. Leave denial, defensiveness, judgment, excuses, criticism, resentments, and competition at the door. Remind yourself of what you admire about yourself or your child/partner.  What are your/his/her strengths? As you gain strength, you may consider asking yourself,  “What can I learn from this? ” or “What is my part in this problem? ”

As we begin to heal the “connective tissue” in our bodies and our relationships, we can hope for a society that is more sensitive to the needs of the individual and the community. If we look inward for solutions, we can aspire to be part of a society with less substance abuse, mental illness, divorce, violence, and crime.

Read more: http://addictionrecoveryreality.com/healing_connective_tissue.html#ixzz1LaYKgzvV

Everyone has blind spots. They are unconscious conflicts from the past that creep up on us unexpectedly and influence reactions we have and decisions we make in the present. They are a normal part of the human experience; pockets of feeling or behavior that are hard to explain or understand, and which seem to control us.

In the course of parenting, we all hit up against these blind spots. Something in our child’s behavior or stage of development triggers an overly intense reaction. We may know that we are “over-reacting” but do not know why. Left to our own devises these areas can become repetitive patterns of negativity in our relationship with our child. At Soho Parenting we help parents learn to identify their own blind spots so that they can untangle the past from the present.

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Jeff sits in my office looking sheepish as his wife Tina, frustrated and angry, talks about why they have come for some help. She complains that Jeff continually undermines her attempts to control the wild and often disrespectful behavior of their four-year old son Gabe.

“It’s like having 2 children,” she says in exasperation, “I cannot stand to be the only parent. He just cannot say no to him.”
“I’ve tried to be stricter”, says Jeff, “but I hate it when he gets so upset.”

In trying to understand more about why saying no is so hard for Jeff, I ask him to talk about his own upbringing and early experiences of discipline. Jeff looks uncomfortable and then starts to talk haltingly about his own strict and overly harsh father. He describes him as cold and quick to anger, with little patience for childish behavior.

“My father was always flying off the handle. He wanted us to be like perfect little adults. If I didn’t hang up my towel after a bath he’d freak.”

Jeff has sworn that he will not repeat this treatment with his own son and in these first four years he has been very successful in being a warm, affectionate and available father to Gabe.

So where is the blind spot? Jeff has not been able to see that his old hurt from childhood has been keeping him from entering into an arena of parenthood that is critically important for a growing child’s health and development. Discipline. Not the harsh and punitive kind, not the arbitrary and scary kind, but the kind of discipline that teaches you how to be respectful and gives the feeling of safety that comes with knowing that your parent is the adult and will keep you from getting out of control. It was easy for Tina –and anyone else for that matter– to see that Jeff was not providing the stabilizing function of a strong but loving parent. But for Jeff, who was unconsciously avoiding setting limits for fear that he would “become his father”, couldn’t act on his son’s need for boundaries.

Jeff really understood and felt this connection in the session. He knows now that he needs to actively counteract his worry about “becoming his father” and step up to the challenge of being Gabe’s father. He was thankful for the concrete advice about discipline; having a real game plan was reassuring. TIna felt validated and more hopeful about being allies instead of adversaries. A blind spot uncovered and a path made clearer!

For all parents, raising children confronts us with our inevitable vulnerabilities. If we use these discoveries as an opportunity for growth, we can take more control of our behavior, and be more the parents we want to be.

This article first appeared in A Child Grows in Brooklyn

Lisa Merlo Booth

Time and again I find myself working with clients on their intensity.  Countless men rage, bully or intimidate when things don’t go their way.  Many women yell, scream and threaten when they don’t get what they want.  Bosses are going off on their employees and parents are going off on their children.  The intensity can be off the charts.

Our athletes, politicians, parents, teachers, leaders and followers are all getting BIG when things don’t go their way.  Almost everywhere I turn, I see someone bullying, intimidating, threatening or raging in times of disagreement or upset.  Countless marriages are being impacted—and destroyed–by this intensity.  Numerous businesses are losing employees due to intense bosses and co-workers.  And too many friendships are breaking because of words said in the heat of the moment.

So why are so many people reacting to things with such intensity?  There are a number of reasons people get so intense, including: it feels good, yelling takes no discipline or thought, it’s a learned behavior from childhood (and our culture) and — the main reason people react by getting “BIG” — is because IT WORKS.

The bottom line is when people rage, yell, bully and/or threaten, it gets people off their backs.  People grow quiet in response to intensity.  They do what they need to in order to get the intensity to stop.  If, every time you bully, others shut up and do what you want, then why not bully?  It works, right?  Wrong.  The truth is, getting BIG often leads to short-term gains and long-term losses.  People do quiet when threatened…and they also stew, get resentful and begin to pull away.  This is true at work, at home and in friendships.  Nobody likes to be bullied; it’s just not fun.  And, while you may like the way it gets you what you want in this moment, you had better be prepared for the backlash.

The reality is that bullying almost always comes with a price.  You may not pay that price today, but almost certainly you will pay for it in one of the tomorrows.  I’ve seen the meekest of wives leave raging men and the meekest of men leave raging women.  I’ve seen complacent employees reach their limit and leave well-paying jobs.  And, I’ve seen lifetime friendships end when the intense friend didn’t settle down over the years.   Intensity may work in the short run; however, the cost in the long run is often more than people want to bear.

If you find yourself often yelling, intimidating, snapping at others, etc., then know the timer is ticking.  The more you act BIG, the faster that timer ticks.  The only way to slow down the timer leading to the end of relationships is to slow your intensity down.  Seek help for your reactivity before it truly wreaks havoc in your life—if it hasn’t already.

This post is for the guys. Want to make your wife feel loved, taken care of and appreciated? One very simple way is to finish whatever household jobs you begin to completion. A task done fully and completely is an act of loving kindness.

After decades of meeting with mothers the same refrain is constant, “If he would just do the whole job, I would be so happy!” Translation: If you are supposed to empty the dishwasher, empty it and put every last thing away. Do not leave a pile of tupperware on the counter for her to do. If you are making a snack for the kids, put the peanut butter and jelly away and wipe the breadcrumbs from the counter. If you are bathing the baby, go back to the bathroom and empty the tub, put the used diaper in the garbage and put the dirty baby clothes in the hamper.

This may seem trite, but it is not. When a wife comes in to a fully emptied dishwasher, a cleaned up kitchen, or a drained tub she feels loved, thought about, appreciated and relieved. If you were counting on her making dinner and only the salad -no main course- was prepared, how would you feel? If she was supposed to bring your suits to the cleaners but never picked them up, what message would that send to you? You would feel burdened, frustrated, unappreciated. I guarantee it.

So here is a clear road map to less conflict, more team work and love: Always finish the tasks you start at home. It is an easy way to show how much you care and believe me, won’t go unnoticed!

By Lisa Merlo Booth

Many people do not purposefully leap into an affair. Typically they start as innocent conversations, cups of coffee or lunches with a friend or co-worker.  Seldom are they a well thought out plan for deception.

Unfortunately, the impact is the same regardless of whether they were planned or not.  And the fallout is often way beyond what people expect.

Before you jump into an affair take a moment to think about the implications of that choice to you as well as to those around you.  The reality is that affairs rock marriages.  In fact, affairs actually destroy many marriages.  Below are some of the almost universal effects of affairs…the ripple effect, let’s say, of affairs:

1.    Affairs break the trust in relationships.  This mistrust does not come back simply by ending an affair.  Mistrust becomes a new entity in the relationship and typically lasts for years. If the partner who had the affair doesn’t address the mistrust in an honest, forthright and compassionate way, the mistrust is likely to remain in the relationship throughout its duration.
2.    Affairs have a tendency of being passed down from generation to generation.  Your children are likely to also struggle with affairs in their life (either their own or their partner’s).  This is such a powerful phenomenon that at times it can be shocking.  I’ve worked with several couples impacted by an affair who reported that there were no affairs in their parent’s marriage only to later find out that when they asked, there were indeed affairs.  Their parents just tried to keep them a secret from the kids.
3.    Affairs take 3-5 years to overcome…under the best of circumstances.  This does not mean you are doomed for 3-5 years of the kind of intensity prevalent in the first year; however, the affair takes up a lot of space for a long time.

4.    Seldom do affair relationships work.  Many people have left their partners for an affair only to later regret it or realize the same issues are repeating themselves in the affair that were present in the marriage.  The grass is often greener at first but soon turns brown when it’s not watered.
5.    Often when one parent has an affair, their relationship with their children is damaged.  If the children find out, they are incredibly angry and hurt at the offending parent.  The affair puts the children into a loyalty bind between their parents that is unfair and caustic.
6.    The offending partner often struggles with guilt, self-esteem issues and depression as a result of having an affair.  Many people who have an affair struggle with the decision they made and lose respect for themselves.  Others around them also may lose respect for them as well.
7.    Affairs minimally damage relationships and often ultimately destroy them. This is especially true if the offending partner is not willing to do the hard work necessary to repair the damage they caused.

The bottom-line when it comes to affairs is they are caustic to individuals and families.  No one comes out of an affair unscathed and the ripple effects are often far reaching.  Before you enter into an affair be certain that you are willing to bear the brunt of your actions.  Also be certain that you’re willing to have your family bear the brunt of your actions.

Don’t just blindly put your relationship in jeopardy.  If you aren’t happy at home then speak to that.  Get help if you need to but don’t run via an affair.  There’s never an excuse for having an affair and the repercussions are far worse than you predict.

This is a piece from Straight Talk 4 Women, Lisa Merlo Booth’s new blog dedicated to helping women in relationships. Enjoy!

I hear endless statements of self-sabotage from women every day:

•    I’m not very smart
•    I don’t have the energy to change things.
•    I don’t have any control of the situation.
•    I don’t have any options—I have young children and I don’t work.
•    My boss is a jerk but at least he pays me.  I have to put up with his treatment.
•    I’m fat; I’m ugly; I’m…(fill in the blank)
•    I don’t know what I think

Stop thinking about all the things you can’t do, don’t know or can’t change and start trusting your instincts, your abilities and your strength.  Things may be hard, you may be scared and those around you may be hurtful, AND… you can create change if you so choose to.

Change starts with you and you alone.  If you feel trapped—figure out the obstacles and do what you need to do to chip away at them (find a job, see a therapist, start exercising etc.).  If you don’t like how you look—take steps to take better care of yourself (exercise, eat healthy, cut your hair etc.).  If your boss is a jerk and you need a paycheck—start looking for other jobs and start having your back on issues that won’t jeopardize your job.  Begin to send a clear message that it’s not okay for your boss to treat you mean.

If you’re feeling stuck, start looking at what you’re doing or not doing to keep yourself in that position.  Stop telling yourself all the things you can’t do and begin to look at all the things you can and have done.  I’ve yet to meet any woman who has done nothing and seriously doubt that you are incapable either.

The only way to have healthy relationships is for you to be healthy in them.  Get yourself healthy and stop sabotaging your success and your life.  You deserve better than that and only you can give yourself better than that.

Challenge: Pay attention to all the negative messages you give yourself and how they keep you doubting yourself and playing small.  Every time you hear these messages step in and fix them.  Refuse to allow your brain to attack our success.  You have the ability to create change all by yourself; stop telling yourself you can’t and instead start stepping up.

The following is an excerpt from our book, A Mother’s Circle.

“I feel more in love with my husband than ever. At times I am overwhelmed with passion for him. It is a wonderful time for us.”

“I’m furious at my husband for not caring more, not participating more, not helping more. Sometimes the most insignificant things make all my anger well up inside of me and I just hate him.”

These statements were both made by the same woman about her husband during the third and fourth months of new motherhood. Husbands and wives are often surprised at the intensity and range of feelings they have for one another during the first year of parenthood. Thoughts and behaviors that seem impossible to coexist do.

The transition to parenthood happens in fits and starts, with ups and downs and continual adjustments in your marriage along the way. It can be a time of deepening love and renewed commitment. It can be a time of extreme marital stress and even of crisis. It may well be the biggest challenge you have faced as a couple so far. Even the steadiest of husband-wife relationships will feel turbulence. Your successful navigation through this period does not necessarily depend on how long you have been married, whether or not your baby was planned, how you fared during pregnancy and childbirth, or on your financial situation. Instead, much depends on mutual respect, flexibility, and communication. Ultimately, a lot comes down to hard work, shared vision, and blind faith.

Many couples become especially close during the last months before their baby is due. Both man and woman project and dream about their baby-to-be and what parenthood will hold for them. If they attend childbirth classes, the man may develop a heightened appreciation for his wife. He may also feel grateful to have, at last, a role to play in the upcoming delivery. As she gets bigger and bigger, the woman may become increasingly dependent on her partner. The progression of the pregnancy, her growing belly and nervous excitement, the teamwork between husband and wife during childbirth, all climax with the arrival of the new baby.

The early weeks and months of new parenthood can seem like a blur, a wild run of emotions. Life is in upheaval, your marriage is stressed, but often little is said or done about it. Consumed with the care and growing love for their babies, new mothers often feel sequestered from the rest of the world, lonely and overwhelmed by all the changes in their lives. Often, new fathers say they don’t know how to act at home anymore. At day’s end, both husband and wife crash with exhaustion, knowing something feels wrong, but too tired or confused to talk about it. When asked to describe their marriages in these initial months of new parenthood, comments from the mothers in our groups range from “We’re sailing” to “We’re drowning.” Most agree that the waters are choppy.

Perhaps the greatest pressure on new parents is trying to live up to the romantic image of happiness and harmony that a new baby is supposed to bring. It is a myth that, as parents, you and your husband will automatically feel more in love, more deeply bonded to one another, fulfilled and happy. Because everyone around you seems to expect you to be basking in new love, it becomes especially difficult to handle the bad feelings you may be having
A baby can bring a husband and wife together, swelling their love with new pride and affirming their bond. But a lot of these good feelings can be dampened by anger and resentment as the stresses of new parenthood play themselves out. These mixed feelings are all very common, but they can feel especially threatening to new parents who expected parenthood to be conflict free.  The reality is that having a baby brings joy and challenges to every marriage. It can be liberating to let go of the myth of the new, happy family, and work toward realistic expectations for family life.