American Academy of Pediatrics: Limit Screentime for Under Two’s
October 20, 2011 · Posted in Infant Development, Media, Parenting, Technology · Permalink · Comments (1)

Here is the New York Times Article on the new recommendation on limiting screens such as TV, computer, iPad and iPhone apps,for babies and toddlers, written by Benedict Carey. The Academy “downgraded” it’s recommendation to allow for a more realistic goal. The main point is that parents not convince themselves that there is any educational benefit –just babysitting benefit!

Parents Urged Again to Limit TV For Youngest

“Parents of infants and toddlers should limit the time their children spend in front of televisions, computers, self-described educational games and even grown-up shows playing in the background, the American Academy of Pediatrics warned on Tuesday. Video screen time provides no educational benefits for children under age 2 and leaves less room for activities that do, like interacting with other people and playing, the group said.
The recommendation, announced at the group’s annual convention in Boston, is less stringent than its first such warning, in 1999, which called on parents of young children to all but ban television watching for children under 2 and to fill out a “media history” for doctor’s office visits. But it also makes clear that there is no such thing as an educational program for such young children, and that leaving the TV on as background noise, as many households do, distracts both children and adults.

“We felt it was time to revisit this issue because video screens are everywhere now, and the message is much more relevant today that it was a decade ago,” said Dr. Ari Brown, a pediatrician in Austin, Tex., and the lead author of the academy’s policy, which appears in the current issue of the journal Pediatrics.

Dr. Brown said the new policy was less restrictive because “the Academy took a lot of flak for the first one, from parents, from industry, and even from pediatricians asking, ‘What planet do you live on?’ ” The recommendations are an attempt to be more realistic, given that, between TVs, computers, iPads and smartphones, households may have 10 or more screens.

The worry that electronic entertainment is harmful to development goes back at least to the advent of radio and has steadily escalated through the age of “Gilligan’s Island” and 24-hour cable TV to today, when nearly every child old enough to speak is plugged in to something while their parents juggle iPads and texts. So far, there is no evidence that exposure to any of these gadgets causes long-term developmental problems, experts say.

Still, recent research makes it clear that young children learn a lot more efficiently from real interactions — with people and things — than from situations appearing on video screens. “We know that some learning can take place from media” for school-age children, said Georgene Troseth, a psychologist at Peabody College at Vanderbilt University, “but it’s a lot lower, and it takes a lot longer.”

Unlike school-age children, infants and toddlers “just have no idea what’s going on” no matter how well done a video is, Dr. Troseth said.

The new report strongly warns parents against putting a TV in a very young child’s room and advises them to be mindful of how much their own use of media is distracting from playtime. In some surveys between 40 and 60 percent of households report having a TV on for much of the day — which distracts both children and adults, research suggests.

“What we know from recent research on language development is that the more language that comes in — from real people — the more language the child understands and produces later on,” said Kathryn Hirsh-Pasek, a professor of psychology at Temple University.

After the academy’s recommendation was announced, the video industry said parents, not professional organizations, were the best judges. Dan Hewitt, a spokesman for theEntertainment Software Association, said in an e-mail that the group has a “long and recognized record of educating parents about video game content and emphasizing the importance of parental awareness and engagement.”

“We believe that parents should be actively involved in determining the media diets of their children,” he said.

Few parents of small children trying to get through a day can resist plunking the youngsters down in front of the screen now and then, if only so they can take a shower — or check their e-mail.

“We try very hard not to do that, but because both me and my husband work, if we’re at home and have to take a work call, then yes, I’ll try to put her in front of ‘Sesame Street’ for an hour,” Kristin Gagnier, a postgraduate student in Philadelphia, said of her 2-year-old daughter. “But she only stays engaged for about 20 minutes.”

In one survey, 90 percent of parents said their children under 2 watched some from of media, whether a TV show like “Yo Gabba Gabba!” or a favorite iPhone app. While some studies find correlations between overall media exposure and problems with attention and language, no one has determined for certain which comes first.

The new report from the pediatrics association estimates that for every hour a child under 2 spends in front of a screen, he or she spends about 50 minutes less interacting with a parent, and about 10 percent less time in creative play. It recommends that doctors discuss setting “media limits” for babies and toddlers with parents, though it does not specify how much time is too much.

“As always, the children who are most at risk are exactly the very many children in our society who have the fewest resources,” Alison Gopnik, a psychologist at the University of California, said in an e-mail.”

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Spillover Between Teens’ Conflict with Family and Friends
October 6, 2011 · Posted in Communication, Media, Parenting, Teens · Permalink · Comments (0)
The July issue of Child Development highlights the impact of teen conflict at home on their peer relationships and vice versa.
“Adolescents experienced more peer conflict on days in which they argued with parents or other family members, and vice versa. Effect of family conflict further spilled over into peer relationships the next day and 2 days later, whereas peer conflict predicted only the following day family conflict. Adolescents’ emotional distress partially explained these short-term spillovers between family and peer conflict.”
Given the impact of teen-parent conflict, here is a script that, if used regularly, is guaranteed to reduce unhealthy communication between parents and children. Below is an example of a parent and child initiated conversation using the Conflict Script. It may seem contrived initially, but overtime it becomes the default of how to handle disagreements that will have positive spillover into your teens relationships outside the home.
The conflict script has rules for the speaker and listener. Both parties have to commit to calm talk and careful listening.
Rules for the Speaker: use the acronym POPIR (pronounced popper) to remember.
1. Permission to speak
2. Objective description
3. Primary Feelings
4. Internal Interpretation
5. Request for the future
Rules for the Listener: use the acronym CARC (pronounced Cark) to remember.
1. Cop to what you did do
2. Apologize
3. Reassure
4. Commit to change
Part 1: Mom is the speaker, daughter listener
Mother: Can I talk to you about what happened this morning. (1. Permission to speak)
Daughter: Sure.
Mother: This morning, when I asked you what your plans were for after school, you didn’t answer me and walked out of the apartment. (2. Objective description)
Mother: I felt anger, shame  and sadness. (3. Primary feelings)
Mother:What I made up in my head is that you don’t respect me and don’t see that I am trying to care for you. (4. Internal interpretation)
Mother:What I would like in the future is for you to answer me when I ask a question or tell me you don’t know if you are not sure of your plans. (5. Request for the future)
Listener:
Daughter: I did walk out of the house without answering. (1. Cop to what you did)
I am sorry for doing that. (2. Apologize)
I do respect you even if I don’t show it all the time and I do know that you want what is best for me. (3. Reassure)
I will answer you when you ask me a question. I know how annoying that can be.(4. Commit to change)
Part 2: Daughter is the speaker, mom the listener
Daughter: Is now a good time to talk about our fight last night? (1. Permission to speak)
Mother: Let me glass of water and we can sit down on the couch and talk.
Daughter: Last night you into my room without knocking, snuck up behind me and read my Facebook chat out loud.  (2. Ojective description)
Daughter: I felt angry and scared. (3. Primary feelings)
Daughter: What I made up in my head was that you don’t respect my boundaries and don’t trust me. (4. internal Interpretation)
Daughter: I really want you to knock before you come in my room and if you are worried abut something going on just ask me. (5. Request for the future)
Mother: I did sneak up on you and read your Facebook. (1. Cop to what you did)
And I apologize for not knocking. (2. Apologize)
I do understand your need for privacy. (3. Reassure)
And I will be more direct about questions that I have about what is going on with you and your friends. (4. Commit to change)
Gauranteed results!

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#!*+!%!&$@!*
June 16, 2011 · Posted in Infant Development, Media, Parenting, Sleep · Permalink · Comments (0)

“The windows are dark in the town, child/The whales
huddle down in the deep/I’ll read you one very last book if you
swear/You’ll go the —- to sleep.”

Yay! A sense of humor about parenting! I haven’t come across a parent who hasn’t thought a variation of “Go The #!+%! to Sleep”, let alone said it out loud. Not that I am condoning it, of course! The immediate buzz about the picture book by Adam Mansbach was like a collective laughing sigh of relief.
In Pamela Paul’s article about the book, Raising Children is Heck in the NYT, she writes that
“Barbara Jones, director of the office of intellectual freedom at the American Library Association, reminds us that parents have long appreciated that message, even in (somewhat) child-friendly formats. “Down will come cradle, baby and all?” Ms. Jones said pointedly. “That’s for parents. That’s about please — go to sleep already!”


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I Can’t Hold It In Any Longer-Really? Pregnant in Heels?!
June 7, 2011 · Posted in Fatherhood, Media, Parenting, Pregnancy · Permalink · Comments (0)

Of course, I had to watch some episodes of Pregnant in Heels to stay abreast of New York parenting in 2011. I decided not comment on the show and my reactions, since it just seemed like ridiculous reality TV and totally innocuous. The Season Finale, though, was my breaking point. I can hold back no longer. The fact that a beautiful little baby girl was used on the show as a prop for an expectant father’s training was one of the most innapropriate things I have seen on television. Maybe her mother was just offstage, but it seemed that “Rosie” showed up at a Hamptons house with a “rental” baby and used her as a lab rat. The poor little girl looked so upset and scared for most of the episode. As a viewer, a child development specialist and a therapist of thirty years I feel comfortable saying that this bordered on abuse. To see this baby with a strange man (who thankfully was a lovely, gentle, and natural caretaker) diapering her while she cried and exposing her naked vagina on television was disturbing. I’m offering free therapy to this little one when she realizes what her parents did to her.

The show is an insult to parents, elevates a shop keeper to child rearing guru and glamorizes the objectification of children. I had a sense of humor about it before the last episode. Everyone is entitled to use a crazy Bravo TV show as entertainment or distraction- I happen to love Bethany Ever After-but Pregnant in Heels is irresponsible and frankly, an embarrassment to our fair city.

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The Sperminator, Etc.
May 26, 2011 · Posted in Media, Parenting, Relationships · Permalink · Comments (0)

Now let’s make a prediction. Arnold Schwarzenegger will go on to make many movies, millions of dollars and maul more women. Maria Shriver will grieve and comfort her children and learn deep lessons about herself and move on to a new more fulfilling chapter in her life. Any dissenters out there? It is embarrassing that time after time, our culture continues to not only disregard men’s bad behavior but even reward it with more money and more celebrity. The culture is so out of control that we really have to rely on ourselves as parents to teach our children, and in this case, boys, how to be respectful and loving people.

Sexual harassment, inappropriate uses of power positions, and betrayal in relationships are happening all around us. From Arnold Schwarzenegger to male students at Yale, from the head of the International Monetary Fund, to soldiers using rape as a widespread war weapon in the Congo. The truth is that the objectification of women is alive and well in 2011.

I look back at the hopeful naïveté I had in college that rights for women and equality and safety would just keep increasing and increasing. In many arenas of life for women there have been tremendous gains. In the realm of safety and respect for the physical and emotional life of girls and women unfortunately things have not changed much and are actually exacerbated by our culture.

As parents, we need to remember that respect for women and girls needs to be a primary lesson to boys. We need to model as mothers the self respect and intolerance for even benign “boys will be boys” behavior, and fathers have a tremendous responsibility to teach their sons what is really means to be a man. To embody the bravery it takes not sink down to lowest common denominator of human behavior.

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It’s That Time Of Year Again!
August 31, 2010 · Posted in Discipline, Education, K-5 Kids, Media, Parenting, Preschoolers · Permalink · Comments (2)

As August light fades and the end of summer coolness sets in, we all, no matter how old, still get that back to school feeling.  The combination of sadness at the summer slipping away mixes with the anxiety tinged excitement at the thought of a whole new year. Remember that great feeling of a new back pack, lunch boxes, and pencils? It’s time for a fresh start!

To capitalize on this feeling have one or two family meetings before school starts. Get a big calendar to go over the general schedule. Who has what when. Visual reminders are helpful for childrenKids like to see things concretely and it helps them organize in their mind to see it on paper.

Make a list of what needs to happen in the mornings before school and before bed. You can use words or pictures depending on the age of your children. Kids love lists and charts!

It is also a good time to go over any chores you want the kids to have and put it on a chore list.

This is an important time to reiterate rules about behavior. Get your kids involved by thinking about their goals for the year. What do they want to work on?

This is the perfect time to make new paramaters about “screen- time”.  TV, computer, PSP, vand the Wii are all the same activity, besides using the computer for homework. If your kids are moving into school age many families make rules about no screens in the morning, or only after all homework is done, or only computer during the week and TV and video games on the weekend. Think about what works for your family and then tell the kids the new rules at the family meeting.  “Screen-time” is also a priviledge that can be revoked as a consequence for negative behaviors.

Adults also need limits on screen-time. Many families have instituted a “no screen zone” from say 6 PM-bedtime for EVERY member of the family! No email checking and Blackberry texting.

You can also set goals for the year–ask your children what they want this new year to be like–what would they like to add or subtract. Set goals for yourselves as well – less yelling, more individual time with each child, making evening family time a priority.

Again, the back to school month of September is a great time to rededicate yourselves as a family to the coming year with goals and rules and an empowered start to a new year!

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Alcohol and Relationships
June 24, 2010 · Posted in Communication, Media, Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships · Permalink · Comments (0)

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships helps you recognize whether alcohol is playing too big a role in your life.

DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

by Lisa Merlo Booth

Too many couples have a third party creating problems in their relationship. That third party is alcohol. When alcohol is a source of stress in a relationship, it is typically because one partner thinks the other partner either drinks too much or is no fun to be around when they drink. The other partner, of course, does not think this is the case.

For those of you who struggle with this issue in your own relationship, let me help you out. Below are several warning signs that your drinking is, minimally, a problem and possibly alcohol abuse or alcoholism.
• You’ve ever been worried about your drinking and tried to stop or cut back as a result.
• You’ve experienced blackouts due to drinking.
• You become mean-spirited and nasty when you drink.
• Your drinking has resulted in your missing work, losing your job or not being able to perform your job as expected.
• Your partner, friends, children or co-workers have commented on your drinking.
• Your drinking is a source of tension between you and your partner (and not because your partner is opposed to drinking).
• You “have to” have a drink to calm down or relax.
• You often drink to get buzzed or drunk.
• You seldom, if ever, stop at just one drink.
• You use alcohol to loosen up and give you social confidence.
• You drink alone or hide your alcohol use.

There are several signs that your drinking has moved beyond social drinking to problem drinking, but the best indicator I know is: if your drinking is creating problems in your relationship or your life—your drinking is a problem. The problem is not your partner’s thinking it’s a problem.

If you’re not sure whether or not you have a drinking problem — chances are you drink too much. If people in your life think you have a problem and you get defensive when they say this — chances are you drink too much. If either of these two circumstances is present and you have a family history of alcoholism — you’re playing with fire. If you don’t control it, you will get burned.

Alcoholism has an uncanny way of getting passed from one generation to the next. If there is any question that your drinking is a problem, then deal with the issue NOW. Stop the toxic legacy of addiction. You, your marriage and your children deserve to have a safe, sober environment in which to thrive.

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Will Your Kid Be An Outcast If They Don’t Watch TV?
June 10, 2010 · Posted in Media, Parenting, Preschoolers, Toddlerhood · Permalink · Comments (1)

dora_the_explorer-5238Dora Who?: On Raising a Weirdo

by Bethany Saltman


I was listening to the radio the other day and the uber intellectual Susan Jacoby was being interviewed about her new book, The Age of American Unreason, which is essentially yet another book outlining how Americans have become so illiterate. She was discussing the section of her book which dealt with the so-called educational toys and videos for babies and toddlers and how they are being so overused and abused that research has shown that children who are overexposed to these forms of “entertainment” actually develop vocabulary less readily than other children. This is not particularly new or noteworthy. What I found surprising was how she then commented breezily that people may assume she is some kind of weirdo who thinks children shouldn’t watch any television or videos. And of course, she laughed, she doesn’t believe that. She then went on to describe her own personal TV usage and how difficult it was for her to experiment not watching any during National Turn off the TV Week.

As I listened to her talk, I thought of the last time I visited the doctor with Azzie. As usual, Shirley, the super-friendly receptionist, offered her a sticker for being such a trooper. “Do you want Dora?” she asked. Azalea was blank. She nodded politely. Whatever you think about TV, cartoons and consumerism, can’t we at least give our kids a little breathing room? Can’t we at least ask if kids know who Dora is? For some reason, the idea of questioning the assumption of media-generated childhood connections is very disturbing to even the most educated  and well-intentioned people. Take my in-laws, for instance. When I was pregnant, we told them we were quite happy to remain tv-less, and they reacted as though we were planning on getting rid of our indoor plumbing. Both of my in-laws are hyper-smart Ivy-league trained physicians. These are not media-junkies! But something about the idea of keeping children away from mass-culture makes people uncomfortable. Last time we left Azalea with said in-laws for the day, a Sesame Street DVD was placed, front and center, on their agenda. What is this? Of course we didn’t say anything. We may be OK with raising a weirdo, but we want her to be a well-adjusted weirdo, and arguing over a couple of hours of Big Bird is just silly.

Of course there is no escape from pop culture — and, alright already, it’s not all bad! —  just as there is no escape from cancer-causing chemicals and artificial growth hormones. But that’s no reason to hook the kids up to pesticide pumps and say, well, this is how I was raised, and I turned out ok (and who do we know is really, by the way, ok?).

The truth of the matter is this: we don’t have a TV. I guess this really does make us strange. We live in the woods and go throw rocks into the river for fun. Literally. But Thayer and I love to download LOST episodes and watch them on Friday nights. And we work out to Tony Horton DVDs as often as possible (AB Ripper, Yeaahh!!!). And a couple weeks ago, Azalea was the sickest she’s ever been with a super-high fever and no interest in anything but lying on my lap. So what did I do? I called my friend and asked to borrow some DVDs. We watched those. Then I found Harold and The Purple Crayon on You Tube, and we watched that. Then we sat through Malti Malti from the Dan Zanes website at least 20 times. And I offered poor little Azzie ginger ale and nilla wafers, wanting her to eat something, anything!  She slept on the couch for the first time ever. It was all, actually, really sweet, a kind of nostalgic reenactment of what was tender in my own childhood.

Then the fever broke.

For a couple days after the sick-spell, Azalea asked to watch “bideos,” and I just no. “But we can listen to music,” I said.

“Ok,” she said. And now she doesn’t even ask.

Checking out of TV land is really not a big deal. But it sure does make a difference.

This article first appeared online in Chronogram Magazine, April 25, 2008.

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Phoebe Prince’s Death: A New Look At Bullying
April 8, 2010 · Posted in Bullying, Child Abuse, Communication, Discipline, K-5 Kids, Media, Mental Health, Parenting, Pressure on Children, Relationships, Social Action, Technology, Teens · Permalink · Comments (1)

bullyingPhoebe Prince, the high school girl who hung herself last week, was purportedly “bullied” to death. Tortured is more like it. Hounded, cursed, humiliated in school and on-line. Defining bullying clearly is critical. Many adults think of bullying as a rite of passage in childhood. Clearly there is a difference between being picked last in gym class and being targeted by an individual or group of kids whose aim is to intimidate and shame.  Today’s landscape for children is also markedly different in that Facebook and email amplifies and exacerbates the intensity of peer relationships.We need to take a fresh look at bullying.

“Peer Abuse” is a phrase that more clearly defines the difference between teasing and belittling. “Peer Abuse” includes not only the physical aggression most associate with bullying, but also the verbal and emotional abuse that are a part of situations like Phoebe’s.

“Peer Abuse” are repeated acts over time of physical assault, psychological manipulation, name calling and using social power to ostracize an individual or group. This goes against our commonly held belief that bullies are loners, having been rejected socially. New research shows that it is often popular kids that use subtly abusive tactics to put down others to maintain their social status. Becoming the victim of malicious bullying can happen for a variety of reasons.

The message here for parents is that any of our children can, and most likely will be aggressive or cruel to other children at some point. Make this an open discussion in your family: Model respectful behavior, take seriously claims that your child is being bullied, talk about the pressure and responsibilities that come with popularity. Teach your child to speak up and stand up if someone is being abused. Adults need to do the same. The stakes are too high to be complacent.

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Tweens, Teens and Technology
February 2, 2010 · Posted in Communication, Discipline, Media, Parenting, Technology, Teens · Permalink · Comments (2)

TextMessageA recent article in The New York Times, If Your Kids Are Awake They’re Probably Online, reported powerful data regarding children and their “screen time”.

“The average young American now spends practically every waking minute — except for the time in school — using a smart phone, computer, television or other electronic device, according to a new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation. Those ages 8 to 18 spend more than seven and a half hours a day with such devices, compared with less than six and a half hours five years ago, when the study was last conducted. And that does not count the hour and a half that youths spend texting, or the half-hour they talk on their cellphones.”

While technology is here to stay –for good or bad– parents should not give up their role in limiting media use and monitoring what is going on online.

Here are some basic tips for keeping tabs and limits on your children’s “screen time”:

  • Know how to use all technology. Stay current and educated about how to text, use Facebook, ichat and skype. Stay in the loop on the kinds of communication systems your child and their friends are using. One way to get closer to teens is to have them teach you — let them be the expert and you be the student.
  • All teens are on Facebook and many adults are as well. Starting your own Facebook page and being “friends” with your teen — even if they block you from seeing some information, will keep you tuned in to what is going on with them. Even if they resist and think you are “creepy and old”, it will become commonplace and accepted after a while.
  • Make sure your kids are not sleeping with their phones. Texting becomes addictive and kids are often texting late into the night long after you are sound asleep. Maybe make a family charging station where all phones are charged at night and retrieved in the morning. Protect your child’s sleep!
  • Set time limits for TV, computer and video game use. You do not have to allow your child to use media eight hours a day!
  • Make rules that children and adults adhere to at home. No texts, email, phone or TV at dinner, or when you are walking children to school. Set a good example.
  • Have a healthy distrust for new technology but embrace it as well. It is here to stay and if you can’t beat ‘em-join ‘em with care!
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