At the Diner with Azalea

by Bethany Saltman

We sit in our booth.

She is 3 and I am 40,

so that’s the kind of conversation

we have: simple. A little contrived.

Across from us are two women,

of the same age, both a little rough, sad even,

probably lovers, for a long time. They open their menus

and one silently closes hers: the decision maker.

The other just isn’t sure what she’s in the mood for.

She just had a ham and cheese omelet yesterday

and the day before, too! So it is, she says,

as she closes hers.

Azalea and I argue over something.

Probably apple juice.

I keep kind of staring at the omelet lady.

I can’t help it. I’m intrigued.

Three days in a row is a lot of omelets!

Will she be happy with it when it comes?

My own body buzzes with that wild pleasure

of waiting for something I know I love.

So often it’s something salty

on a plate, but it could also be the warm, wide face

of someone who will share my burden. Or it could be

the quiet that barely exists when I walk into the house

by myself, unencumbered by people or tasks. Or the milky

pee smell of Azalea as she awakens from rest.

Alone—the meal, the husband, the house, or child—

they all turn on their own axis, filling their exact shape

in space. When we meet, it’s not that those bodies change

or enlarge to include me, but something happens between us

and it all disappears. And it’s that blank space

that I really long for between the pages

of every menu, on the brink

of every thing.

First time back in yoga class in five months. The shoulder tear I incurred had me in pain and out for the count for quite some time. I settled into a seated position as we chanted a Sanskrit sentence that translates to “Birth is our teacher, Life is our teacher, Death is our teacher.” Guru, the word for teacher in the chant, really means the removal of darkness to see light. The teacher talked a bit about how life, and our mistakes, are our Gurus. They remove some blindness, some darkness, and something becomes clear, illuminated, something learned, movement happens.

Good timing. The shoulder tear was my mistake. Pushing myself, denying my age – not listening to my body. The teacher had said to me “you can just stay where you are” as I continued to bend backwards. Inside I responded like a four year old stamping her feet. “I WANT TO DO THIS!”  A moment of satisfaction and pride quickly turned into an MRI and five months of pain.  So much for side plank into full wheel!

Five months later, overjoyed to be back in class, I felt grateful of my mistake. I had learned (again) how ego leads to pain, learned patience and respect for the healing process, and learned to be kind to my body instead of feeling angry at it for not performing.

In parenting, we constantly worry about doing “the right thing.” The mistakes we make – too harsh a tone, disciplining when comfort is needed and comforting when discipline is needed, all the many things that feel so not right are our teachers. If we pay attention to our actions and try with all our might not to beat up on ourselves, we grow, we make adjustments, we apologize.

What better lesson to model and teach our children. Harmony, disharmony, repair. That’s the best we can do.

This post from Straight Talk On Relationships reminds us that our tone and general attitude toward our partner influences the relationship greatly. Often times what we think is ‘all in good fun’, really puts a rift in the communication.

THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS

Motherhood can be an oddly lonely time of life.  It is ironic that in some ways you may have never felt so connected to another human being and so alone at the same time.  Surrounded by a sea of other mothers you can still feel isolated.  Even if you have a partner who is invested  in the details of your children’s lives, the nature of our society and the division of labor demands that most of the time we parent alone.

Lisa and I were exceedingly  lucky. We met while working at Bellevue Hospital before we had our first children, who coincidentally  came within months of each other. During the early months of new motherhood, now at home with our babies,  we moved from being colleagues to being each others friends, confidants, and second set of eyes, ears and hands for each others’ children. We counted on each other for honest feedback and advice.  It is this combination, knowing each other and each others’ children deeply that turned what could have been a lonely endeavor into a shared journey. We also hatched the plan for our current practice with its mother’s groups during that time. Much of the impetus was our desire to create the kind of forum, support and companionship we had found in each other for other new parents.

We have now been running these groups for 22 years.  Our longest running group is 16 years old! Once a week for 1 and 1/2 hours 7-10 mothers (and a handful of dads) meet in our comfortable and peaceful office and talk. These parenting groups are the place where mothers can find the companionship, support and honest feedback. It is here they can share any and all aspects of life- marriage, families of origin, babysitters, friendships, work, sex, weight, anger,the gamut. and as many of the groups continue over the years  and families grow, the breadth and scope of these discussions grow as well- sibling rivalry, marital discord, choosing schools, teaching kids about sex, deciding about religion, again the gamut. There is  always tons of laughing and plenty of tears.

It has been an honor and a pleasure for us to lead and participate in these groups. We asked group members to share what this experience has meant for them:

“Our group gives me a safe, neutral place where I can candidly bring all my questions, doubts, fears and celebrations to bear without having to screen for judgment.  I know I have an incredibly talented therapist along with six other remarkable mothers who are all in my corner. Probably not a day goes by that I don’t refer back to some parenting tool, skill or philosophy took away from my Soho Parenting Mothers Circle.”   Cara Marriott, full time mother of 3

“I can’t imagine journeying down this complicated yet joyous path of motherhood without it.  I get insight and wisdom on all aspects of parenting as well as guidance with compassion and learned expertise.” Anne Patterson, set and costume designer, mother of 3

“I was so fortunate to be in a Mothers Circle at Soho Parenting. I looked forward to it every Monday, having coffee and talking with other moms. We talked about many different issues that were so important.  I have passed on so much information Lisa gave me that I seem like the expert!  I really loved the group!” Molly Shannon, actor, mother of 2

“Jean and the other mothers in my circle group have been an incredibly valuable resource and I am always amazed at what I learn about myself and my own relationships when I come in to talk about my “parenting issues.”   Jennifer Daniels, full time mother of 3

” As a new mother- Soho Parenting was and still is my oasis- joining a group of other mothers/fathers who were just as committed, mystified and terrified as I was – is by far the most rewarding investment …3 kids and 6 years later our parenting group is still together – still helping each other through ever-changing terrain.”   Debra Eisenstadt, actress, director, writer and mother of 3

” I have been in a Mothers Circle for almost a year now, and it has saved my life as a parent. Jean not only offers us the developmental back story on what is happening inside the minds and bodies of our kids, but has a real intuitive grasp on who they are as individuals.”   Leslie Astor, full time mother of 3

“What is Soho Parenting to me?  My keel.  My family is the ship… Soho Parenting keeps us steady as we sail!”   Norma Katz, full time mother of 2

Judith Warner, author and columnist on parenting issues, has just published We’ve Got Issues: Children and Parents In The Age of Medication. She began her project with the commonly held mindset that children are over-medicated through a collusion between parents, who want their childrens’ behavior to change, and psychiatrists, who are more than happy to whip out the prescription pad.  What Warner discovered, and what our experience at Soho Parenting has been over the last two decades, is actually the opposite. Parents go through excruciating conflict, ambivalence and worry about using medication with their children who are suffering from a psychiatric or neuro- biological illness.

Contrary to the “over-medication” hype, parents often have a hard time accepting that their child’s symptoms are an indication of a serious departure from typical development. When a children have depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, or autistic spectrum disorder it is unbearably painful to accept. Decisions to use medicine to treat, or ameliorate symptoms is a huge choice.  The known risk of leaving these problems untreated sometimes feels less risky than taking medicine. This is often the wrong call.

In our clinical practice, we have seen a rise of developmental delays as well as a rise in mood disorders, behavioral and emotional struggles in children. The causes are most likely multi-determined. The impact of toxins in our food supply and environment, the unhealthy pressured culture our children must conform to, and the marriage of genetics in parents who also may struggle with significant levels of anxiety and depression all lead to more vulnerable systems in our children.

Having this awareness allows parents to make healthier choices about their lifestyles and practice preventative care.  Acknowledgment that your child struggles with mood or reactivity issues is necessary to fight stigma, advocate for kids and to counter the feelings of failure that parents and children alike experience if these issues arise. Treating such childhood problems with effective therapies, and yes, many times, with medicine, can be the difference between utter suffering and a calmer, more productive and functional experience for affected children, their siblings and parents.

In almost 25 years we have met only one family that seemed blithe about using medicine to maintain a child’s enrollment in a high pressured and “prestigious” school.  All other parents have approached the diagnosis, starting therapy, and possibly medicating their children as a truly serious decision–usually leaning toward under-treating. The stories of children being helped by a combination of therapy and medicine abound. The relief and hopefulness is always tempered by worry over the long-term effects, but children who need medicine and receive the correct medicine are freed from a dark place. Kudos to Warner for her open-minded research, her hard work on the book, and her contribution to parents –to help them make the best choices for their children and their families.

The New York Times article, For Some Parents Shouting is the New Spanking, by Hillary Stout,  bravely shines the light on a slightly taboo topic. In many parenting circles, spanking is a discipline tool of the past.Whether or not parents actually resort to spanking is another story.

When it comes to screaming, however, it often seems accepted as a matter of course. Everyone  has a reflexive, knee jerk stance based on family of origin. If you came from a family of screamers, yelling might feel completely normal. Many people feel it is an ethnic rite or genetically encoded behavior. Others remember their parents yelling and screaming and the fear that it engendered. These parents do a yeoman’s job of controlling their tempers, but nevertheless find themselves overtaken by fury and frustration at times. Some grew up with simmering issues but no communication, so “letting it all out” can feel like a healthier way.

The problem is that yelling and screaming can feel so damn good while you are doing it. You feel powerful, like you are someone to be reckoned with, self-righteous and entitled.  After all, what human being can cope with the amount of badgering, whining, and defiance that kids dish out. In actuality, the desire to yell actually comes from the opposite place: a place of helplessness, feeling overburdened and incompetent. Screaming and yelling bring false empowerment. True power is when parents control themselves, for example, putting their child in their room without yelling or ranting or being able to take away privileges in a three word sentence like “No TV tomorrow!!”

Unfortunately, the nature of children and the culture we live in has the deck stacked against parents. Kids need repeated reminders, often years of reminders to do things like saying please and thank you, coming to the dinner table and not smashing their siblings. Our culture is all about getting what you want by taking no prisoners.  Given those forces, staying respectful calls for a kind of determination, focus and self control that seems only a zen master could muster. The good news is that self control can be learned. Start with this rule. Screaming, name calling, ranting and shaming is NOT ALLOWED. It is a boundary violation and something to avoid. Remember, it is not our right as a parent.

Since most people are not zen masters, realistically you probabaly will yell or scream when you are in your most helpless and overwhelmed state. Treat it as if you had hit your child. After you calm down, apologize. Remind them that it wasn’t OK, and that you are really focused on learning to control that behavior, just like they are.

This is fabulous way to talk to your teens or even tweens about the rules of healthy relationships.

The Relationship Bill of Rights

by Annie Fox, M.Ed

1.    It’s your right to have feelings for anyone you choose. Your friends may have opinions worth listening to, but who you’re friends with or who you love is your choice.
2.    You have the right to express your feelings or to keep them to yourself. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean you have to tell anyone or do anything about it.
3.    You have the right to feel safe. It’s important to feel physically and emotionally safe at all times when you’re with another person. If you don’t, speak up and/or get out of the situation ASAP.
4.    You have the right to be treated with respect. You deserve the chance to express your thoughts and feelings without fear. You have the right to be listened to by the other person. And what you have to say should be respected.
5.    You have the right to your own time (without being guilt-tripped). You can spend all the time you like away from the other person—whether that’s to hang out with other friends, be with family, or do something on your own.
6.    You have the right to say no. It’s your body and no one should pressure you when it comes to getting physical. It’s also your right to say no to alcohol or drugs. If the other person ignores your “no” then they’re disrespecting you. (See #4)
7.    You have the right to open, honest communication, If something’s going on in the relationship, you and the other person need to talk about it.
8.    You have the right to end a relationship. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are. If you want out, get out. You don’t have to justify or explain how you feel to anyone.

Annie Fox, M.Ed. is an award winning author, educator, and online adviser for parents and teens. http://anniefox.com
Read excerpts from her books: Too Stressed to Think? And the new Middle School Confidential™ series.
Download (free) her entire Teen Survival Guide to Dating & Relating, http://teensurvivalguide.com
Listen to her podcast series “Family Confidential: Secrets of SuccessfulParenting”

There has been so much controversy and worry in the last ten years about vaccinating babies.  Much of the reason for this began with a 1998 paper in the reputable medical journal Lancet. The paper, by Dr. Andrew Wakefield, linked autism to the MMR vaccine.

That hypothesis, the rise in autism and the media’s amplification of both spread the link between vaccines and autism like wild fire. Cynicism about the pharmaceutical industry and our health care system was the gasoline on that fire.

Parents, frightened over their child’s well being, delayed or even refused to vaccinate their children. So here is some important news for parents. Lancet has recently issued a public retraction of this paper.  NPR reports, “…an official British medical investigation found Wakefield’s methods, quote, ‘dishonest and irresponsible.’” Imagine how many parents have unnecessarily worried and how many children were not vaccinated in the last ten years because of bad science.

Click on the link below to hear a clear, interesting and sound report from NPR’s Morning Edition on the state of vaccines today.

Vaccines’ Benefits Trump Concerns, Experts Say

by Bethany Saltman

Ok, so it wasn’t daycare—it was a governess. And yes, I know Anna threw herself beneath a train and died, so it’s probably not going to help my cause to be comparing myself to her. But wait: Tolstoy, the original family man, believed that Anna loved her son so much that she was afraid to divorce her dull, mean husband for the fabulous (-ish) Vronsky because the kid’s life would be ruined. In the end, she was so tortured by having to choose between her son and her lover that she couldn’t take it anymore.

But Anna is no super-mom. Far from it. This is how Anna feels coming home from some lovely evening out as her son runs to greet her:

“Her son, like his father, produced on Anna a feeling akin to disappointment. Her fancy had pictured him nicer than he was in reality. She had to come down to reality in order to enjoy him as he was. But even as he was, he was charming, with his fair curls, blue eyes, and plump, shapely legs in tight-fitting stockings.”

My point is that EVEN Anna—depressed, obsessed, tragic, not exactly playing on the floor in stretchy bottoms—is portrayed by someone I respect as a loving mother. And I—nursing, feeding, playing, sure, a bit melancholy, sometimes down, but mostly pretty present, but sending Baby to J’s for home daycare 20-odd hours a week so I can teach, work, write, be alone, run, do this—feel totally guilty and shamed by the world (notice I said “feel,” not “am”—I don’t actually believe that everyone is scorning me, well, maybe a little).

The last couple of weeks I have been on break from school, and had this idea that I should not send Baby to J’s since I wasn’t technically working. For the most part she went as scheduled, but boy, did I pay for it in anguish. Turns out I worked my ass off—beating myself up is a full-time job!

This morning I dropped Baby off in my running gear, all ready for when I returned home. On the drive there I was prepping myself, wondering if I would lie if J asked me casually if I was going for a run. Would I say that I already went, embarrassed that I would do such a thing while my child in is the care of another? What kind of woman must I be?

She never asked.

This article first appeared online in Chronogram Magazine, January 15, 2007.

Soho Parenting is mentioned in today’s New York Times article “How to Speak Nanny” by Hilary Stout.  Yay!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/18/garden/18letters-NANNYSTORIES_LETTERS.html?ref=garden