At the Diner with Azalea

by Bethany Saltman

We sit in our booth.

She is 3 and I am 40,

so that’s the kind of conversation

we have: simple. A little contrived.

Across from us are two women,

of the same age, both a little rough, sad even,

probably lovers, for a long time. They open their menus

and one silently closes hers: the decision maker.

The other just isn’t sure what she’s in the mood for.

She just had a ham and cheese omelet yesterday

and the day before, too! So it is, she says,

as she closes hers.

Azalea and I argue over something.

Probably apple juice.

I keep kind of staring at the omelet lady.

I can’t help it. I’m intrigued.

Three days in a row is a lot of omelets!

Will she be happy with it when it comes?

My own body buzzes with that wild pleasure

of waiting for something I know I love.

So often it’s something salty

on a plate, but it could also be the warm, wide face

of someone who will share my burden. Or it could be

the quiet that barely exists when I walk into the house

by myself, unencumbered by people or tasks. Or the milky

pee smell of Azalea as she awakens from rest.

Alone—the meal, the husband, the house, or child—

they all turn on their own axis, filling their exact shape

in space. When we meet, it’s not that those bodies change

or enlarge to include me, but something happens between us

and it all disappears. And it’s that blank space

that I really long for between the pages

of every menu, on the brink

of every thing.

Kids snacking and having “treats” throughout the day has exploded in the last decade. The article  Snack Time Never Ends in the The New York Times, January 20, 2010 presents data that, “between 1977 and 2002, the percent of the American population eating three or more snacks a day increased to 42 percent from 11 percent.”

From 2002 to 2008, one needs only to look around the playground to know that the trend has increased. Food is ubiquitous and adults and children are presented with constant eating opportunities. Add in the generational fear and antipathy to saying no to one’s children and you’ve got haggling and caving going on all day long!

Ellyn Slatter, dietitian and family therapist, is quoted in the article, “The parents’ job is to do the what, when and where of feeding,” she said, “and it is up to the children to do the how much and whether of eating. In order to have successful family meals, you have to structure the snacks.” Her book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense, has long been one of Soho Parenting’s favorites.

Here are a few tips to curb snacking and unhealthy eating:

• Snacks should be given at “Snack Time”: A scheduled time and place and not on the run. As Slatter wisely says “End grazing.”
• A good snack is anything you would be happy to see on a child’s plate at a meal. Goldfish on the dinner plate? Fruit Roll up for breakfast? No?
• No more than 2 snacks a day.
• A snack and a treat are two different things. Treats are desserts, snacks are tiny meals.
• Keep “treats” treats by offering them less often.

With all of the angst and money spent on preschool it was inspiring to hear Paulina Bemporad’s story of starting her own! She is our guest blogger today and we greatly appreciate her contribution. Paulina is the mother of a 3 1/2 year old daughter and an entrepreneur living in Red Hook, Brooklyn.

Starting A Cooperative Preschool Morning Program by Paulina Bemporad

When my daughter was approaching her second birthday, I started inquiring about nursery schools in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn.  I was horrified to discover that all of the preschools and private programs for toddlers require you to apply a year before the child actually starts the program. Since she was turning two in June of 2008, I was supposed to apply in September of 2007!  I had no idea this was even an issue. I felt like I failed as a mother because I didn’t realize how ultra competitive and over crowded preschools are in NYC.  Like everything else, space here is at a premium so why should a nursery school program for two-year-olds be any different?!  So, I desperately applied to about 10 preschool programs in the Spring of 2008 for my daughter to attend the following Fall. All I received back were rejection letters and notices that she was placed on waiting lists.

I was so frustrated and I didn’t think I had many other options – until I received an email from a parenting blog in my neighborhood looking for families that might be interested in starting a bilingual morning program for toddlers called “Escuelita.” As a native Spanish speaker from a Colombian family, I was thrilled by the opportunity. I was one of five parents who went to the open house.  I was excited to meet the incredible licensed Montessori teacher and an entrepreneurial couple who wanted to create the program for their daughter because they were facing the same situation I was.

To make this happen, they offered their own apartment to host the program which would take place 3 days a week from 9 am -12 p.m.  They are very involved in the community and have their own business right below their apartment. They had a great vision and entrepreurial spirit to create something from the ground up. Like me, they were also very interested in giving their daughter a bilingual education and were extremely frustrated by the lack of opportunities to attend Spanish language programs in Brooklyn. So, they found a teacher, offered their home and invited other parents to join their vision of a Bilingual Montessori preschool right here in our neighborhood.  Over a few planning meetings, the teacher outlined the curriculum, defined the costs and all of the participating parents agreed to the cooperative structure. The group hired a lawyer, had contracts drawn up and we gave our deposits with signed contracts.

We started with 4 children in September 2008, doubled the number of students by January 2009 and today we have ten families. Given the cooperative vision and spirit of the program, the parents play an active role in supporting the school. All parents are asked to provide healthy organic, snacks on a rotating basis.  We all paid for school supplies.  And all of the parents and children gather about every other month for a potluck brunch in each other’s homes. We’ve really become a close knit community and now regularly join together for play dates, share babysitting duties and enjoy hanging out during the weekends.

The greatest benefit has been watching our daughter blossom intellectually and socially. The beauty of the Montessori way of learning is that each child participates in carefully planned “work” activities that suit their specific stage of educational development. The children work independently, join together in pairs and perform group activities like singing and yoga. Lessons revolve around practical life  skills (water pouring work that emphasizes gross motor skills and measurement); sensory skills (from dramatic play with puppets to working with geometric shapes in puzzles); math (working with numbers, counting objects); language (focusing on pre-reading skills, word sounds, letters in alphabet); geography/science (identifying countries on maps, continents on the globe, changes in season, living and non-living objects); and art, physical movement and yoga.

Escuelita is now in its second year and we’ve expanded the program to 4 days a week. Our teacher is looking for permanent space and next year we are planning to expand to a full-time, 5 day-a-week structure. Our experience has been amazing and we feel extremely fortunate to have been a part of the founding and growth of a superb educational program for our daughter.

Based on our experience, here are my five tips for starting a cooperative preschool program:
1. Find a talented, experienced teacher
2. Invite like-minded parents who are willing to be actively involved
3. Find an appropriate space (be sure to consider NYC educational requirements and codes)
4. Develop a clear vision, educational philosophy and guidelines for teacher and parental roles
5. Be flexible to adapt and improve the program over time

Here are some great links to learn more about Montessori education:

The Montessori Foundation

The Wonder Years

Homemade Montessori

Montessori Story

A Montessori Classroom

Montessori Services

Many of the families we have worked with lived through 9/11 and therefore don’t have to start from scratch when it comes to explaining this frightening event. They have a framework to discuss terrorism in general, and this failed terrorist attack in particular. Those children already know the cold hard fact that bad things don’t just happen in remote places-things happen in America as well.

Parents with children who were born more recently have a new and difficult task added to their job description; talking to kids about terrorism. The first most important thing to remember is that it is almost impossible to shield children from hearing about it. If they have not already seen it on the news, heard grownups talk, or read headlines and pictures on the newspapers, then the first day back at school will change all that.

Parents are often surprised to learn that children as young as three and four years old will inevitably be exposed to some aspect of this news story.  Best for you to be their main source of information and reassurance rather than hearing bits and pieces or distortions of the truth when they are not with you. Look for an opening in their play. They could be crashing cars and “killing” someone, they could be drawing a picture of a plane. Or watch your child for symptoms of anxiety–nail biting, more agression than usual, worry about being alone.  It could start out as simple and straightforward for young children (3-6 years) as, “A bad man tried to hurt a plane and the people on it, but all the people jumped on him and the plane and all the people are safe. The man is in jail.” Talking with tweens and teenagers about the Taliban, suicide bombers and wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will be more complicated.

Then be prepared for questions. For all children their first worries will be about themselves and their own family’s immediate safety.  Just like with 9/11, it will be important to focus on the heroic measures that real people took in combating the violence.  This is when you say, “All the police, and fire fighters and soldiers and President Obama are working very hard to make sure this does not happen again.” If you are actually flying in the next few days and your children are nervous (or you are!) point out all the security measures at the airport to check for dangerous materials or people on the plane. Try to keep a calm and positive demeanor.

No matter what your particular political beliefs are, this is not the time to undermine your child’s sense of confidence in our country’s leadership.   What you can tell them is that hurting people is wrong and that this man was caught and put in jail. That is reassuring to children. What is  not reassuring to your children is venting your own anger at either jihadists, or the incompetence of our own government.

The hard thing is that this terrorist attempt, bungled as it was, really reminds us that this violence is very likely to become more common here. The safety we felt as kids, at least about war here on our own soil, is over. We do have to remember that most children in the world live with fear and violence as an everyday reality.  We can help our children tolerate their fear if we make sure we are not in denial about how much they know and help them make sense of this frightening reality.

Hide and Seek and Peek-A-Boo. Plain and simple. These games of childhood have withstood the test of time and exist across cultures because they provide an important psychological function for babies and children. In play, they enact and reenact losing and finding a special person. This helps children keep the presence of their caregiver in mind, while not in sight. Through the build up of nervous excitement, laughter, and relief — all the elements of a goodbye and reunion are there in compressed form.

So if your baby is starting to cry when you walk out of the room, or your toddler weeps when you leave for work, or your preschooler is glued to your leg crying at drop-off for school, play these games more at home. In addition to the reminder that you always come back, the soothing that the babysitter or teacher provides on the other end is equally important for emotional development.  These largely nonverbal, play and body-based games help your child grow in their ability to tolerate separations from those they love.

The American Psychological Association has released its Stress in America 2009 report.  We all know there has been more stress in the last year, but there was a troubling finding in the study. It seems that there is a significant disconnect between parents perception of their children’s stress and their children’s actual experience. Here are a few examples from the report:

•Children were nearly two times more likely to say they worried about their family’s financial difficulties than their parents perceived (30 percent of youth say they worried about their family having enough money when only 18 percent of parents reported that this was a source of stress for their child.

•Children were more likely to report that they worry about things related to school than parents perceived. Forty-four percent of all children ages 8 – 17 reported that doing well in school was a source of worry compared to only 34 percent of parents reporting this as a source of stress for their child. Over a quarter (29 percent) of children ages 13 – 17 reported that they worry about getting into a good college and deciding what to do after high school, when only 5 percent of parents of 13 – 17-year-olds agreed that this was a source of stress for their child.

•Nearly half (45 percent) of teens ages 13-17 said that they worried more this year, but only 28 percent of parents think their teen’s stress increased, and while a quarter (26 percent) of tweens ages 8-12 said they worried more this year, only 17 percent of parents believed their tween’s stress had risen.

“Nearly a quarter of Americans reported experiencing high stress levels in the past month (8, 9 or 10 on a 10-point scale), yet, many parents seem unaware of the impact that their stress has on their children. Nearly two-thirds (63 percent) of parents reported that their stress levels have a slight or no impact on their child’s stress levels, which is concerning when considering the number of young people who view their parents as their primary teachers as it relates to learning about healthy habits. Nearly 80 percent of young people say they learn about healthy living from their parents or guardians, suggesting that parents are important role models for children. Yet parents are not modeling healthy behavior when it comes to stress management. Half of parents (50 percent) say their stress has increased in the past year, but less than half of moms (45 percent) and just over half of dads (56 percent) say they’re doing enough to manage their stress.”

Even now, in the 21st century, the idea that children don’t really understand what is going on in their immediate world persists.  And it is such a stressful century so far.  Children have a deep emotional world with a wide variety of feelings including anxiety.  They are completely aware of the ups and downs experienced by the adults in their life. By denying this, parents limit their capacity and opportunity  to soothe, reassure and show them how to tolerate stress.  So the next time you think, “I don’t think it’s affecting the kids.” Think again.

The recession has been good for the holidays. This is the second year that the ethos of the holidays consists of getting less, spending less and really tuning into what the deeper messages about the seasons mean. Most parents who toned down the consumer frenzy last year were much more content with their holiday celebrations. Less stories about over stimulated kids ripping through mountains of presents and then demanding more. Less stress in preparing for the holidays.

What people remember most about their holidays as kids are the lights, whether Christmas or Chanukah, the scents of pine or baking or potatoes frying and the wonderful assortment of tastes. Who really remebers what year you got your bike, or a doll, or board games or gameboy? It is wrapping paper and ribbons and rituals we remember. So, when planning your holidays focus on the senses and not on the gifts. Pass on traditions or invent new ones. Those are the memories in the making.

Over-parenting has made it to the cover of Time Magazine! An easy read, the article outlines how an over-investment in childrens’ “success” coupled with exaggerated worries about safety has lead to an odd combination of pressure and coddling.

What is really fascinating is that at the same time the American Psychological Association has released Stress in America 2009,  showing that parents are very out of touch with their children’s anxiety. Distracted by the focus on achievement and sheltering children from pain, parents are missing the point.  Children are capable of more independence and very much need our emotional support for their inner lives.

Since no parent wants to be unaware of their child’s emotional life this is a great wake up call. A reorienting of our values toward the inner life rather than the outer trappings will help children feel a real sense of protection and support.

Body image, weight, eating habits and health is now a thoroughly unavoidable minefield for ourselves and our children.  The culture is now poly-partially-nonhydrogenatedly saturated in intensity about our bodies. Perfectly healthy girls and boys as young as four worry about being fat while a vast number of people in our country overeat to the point of morbid obesity.  There is pressure for women to be sexy and slim (except their ‘bump’) during pregnancy and a culture that orders in, dines out and watches Food Network 24/7. Oye!

It is all very confusing and daunting. If it were as easy as modeling good habits for our children many of us would fare well. But what about the inner negative thoughts that most women and many men have when we are even a few pounds overweight? Pretty hard to get rid of those. The bottom line is that this struggle between the love of food and the pressure to be thin is just a fact of life. The problems of our food system and the media influence are here to stay.

So what to do? One thing is to not buy into the fact that there are choices you can make to fully protect your children from weight issues or body image issues.  You can set a pretty good example and have a pretty decent balance between discipline and indulgence and still have children who struggle with weight or thoughts about weight. There is no one rule like “no junk in the house”, or “don’t prohibit or your kids will seek it elsewhere in spades” that ensures anything.  We need to admit that the forces are greater than any one rule or philosophy so we don’t carry all the responsibility on our shoulders.

Try to stay in the middle path is the best we can suggest. Model moderation, exercise and encourage physical activity. Have swimming, hiking, skiing or bike riding be family activities, not just activities that you sign your children up for–they imitate you more than anything. Have family meals. Teach your children about advertising early on — show them how billboards and commercials trick you into wanting more and more and subtly convince you that you are not good enough as you are.  Once kids understand how advertising works it provides a bit of protection against the media and gives a sense of empowerment.

Most of all try and accept the fluctuations in your child’s weight and work on accepting their body type as you work on accepting yours. This is very hard work for most people, no matter what they weigh, or how they eat, so know you are in good company.

A business card tacked on to the bulletin board at the pediatrician’s office advertises a new service: classes for children and manners. Surely you have to admire the entrepeneurial spirit of this business person, but is this service necessary?  Are we really at a time where we need to hire people to teach our children basic manners? Can’t we do this one ourselves? Teaching manners is on the parental job description.

In the eighties and nineties, parenting advice was so focused on the child’s needs that some specialists suggested that making your children say they were sorry when they didn’t authentically feel sorry was incorrect. Manners were seen by many as old-fashioned and rigid, not to be imposed. Fast forward to today.  Pick up any parenting magazine (the two that are left), and you will see an article every month about how to raise children that are not so entitled, disrespectful and unmannerly. I guess that old way of thinking didn’t really work out too well.

Social graces that were deemed sexist in the seventies and beyond, like holding a door open for a woman or giving up your seat were banished. Couldn’t we just have mandated everyone do it for each other to eliminate the sexism quality but keep the graciousness?  Now you can’t find a good feminist who doesn’t also say chivalry is dead with wistfulness.

Manners: “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, “I’m sorry”, “let me get that for you”, “after you”, are the lubricants of civilized social interaction. They are kind, respectful and much appreciated habits that we must teach our children by basically drilling them into their heads for years.  It is a parents job to remind, prompt, model and teach these nicities over and over and over again until they become automatic. This takes years. Kids will eventually learn these manners and will be able to to use them in public, in school, at a friend’s house.  With you, unfortunately it will take the longest and rudeness will die the hardest, becuase you are the parent. That’s on your job description too.