I just did a toilet training workshop for 30 parents of 2-3 year olds. We had a lot of laughs since no matter how old you are potty humor is still pretty funny. But when we got down to business, it was clear that the idea of “pushing kids” as being psychologically damaging is still alive and well in the 21st century.

Parents are nervous to take the lead, be the teacher, and guide their children to understand how their body works and how to use the potty. In the effort not to “push,” parents don’t take action but rather the talk, talk, talk, cajole, reminding them that their friend Sally is in underpants, asking them if they want to use the potty. They hope against hope that these toddlers will just come to their senses and agree. Anyone who has toilet trained a kid knows – you can’t just talk them into it.

You need to put in the time. Naked time, reading stories on the potty time, hang around the house time. Explaining time, cleaning up accidents time. laughing about tushies and poop and penises time.

Your approach to potty training should be one of  guidance and comfort, but expectations as well. As one mom kept saying, “Oh, so you just keep teaching!?” Correct, teaching it is!

Children need clear limits and guidance. From the end of the first year of life on, setting parameters about what is, and what is not appropriate behavior is the bulk of your job. Setting limits and clear expectations is not a punitive action – it is teaching. The goal is to raise a person who uses good judgment.

Proactive discipline-telling your child what is expected of them up front, increases the likelihood of their following the rules. We often go into situations “hoping” our kids will behave instead of telling them what goals, expectations and consequences exist right off the bat.

For example, before you go into the playground with your four-year old, have a quick conversation:

“Ok, so remember the rules: No hitting, no pushing, no throwing sand. If you do that you will have to sit on the bench with me for a little while. If you do it again then we will have to leave the playground. So what are the rules?”

“No hitting, no throwing sand and no hurting!”

“Right! So let’s go in and have fun.”

Your child has a clear road map of what is to come. The rules, the expectations, and without anger, the consequences. Chances are, your child will not be able to follow those rules on many occasions–that’s part of childhood, they are learning. Your job as a parent is to teach them the rules and follow through on the consequences.

After the upset has died down and everyone is calm, talk about the experience. Hear their perspective and feelings. Let them know that even though they make mistakes, break the rules, have trouble controlling themselves, that there is an open forum to talk about their grievances. Clear rules coupled with deep conversation later helps to stay connected and allows children to understand and control their behavior.

So, worst case scenario you had to take your child from the park kicking and screaming. Next time you go say, “Remember what happened last time when you threw sand? We had to leave.” They will vividly remember. “Follow our rules and we won’t have to go home early!” You’ve got a better chance of follow through on their part this time. This example of limit setting can be applied to almost every situation and activity in your young child’s life. After repetition, you will begin to see their automatic recognition of what is acceptable behavior. Keep in mind – your children are counting on you to guide them.

The best way to help your child move from one situation to another is to teach them how to say goodbye. From playing with toys to going in the tub, leaving the park to getting in the stroller, small children have a hard time moving from activity to activity. They really know how to “be in the moment”. They are so involved in what they are doing that moving to a new place and stopping their play is hard and upsetting.

Modeling “saying bye bye” — to the truck, to the park, to the bath tub, gives them a sense of control and closure. It may feel silly to say “OK, Janie say goodbye to sand box, bye bye sandbox” while you are waving to a mound of sand — but parents attest to its magic. Transitions become a little less fraught and kids are more willing to let go of an activity because they themselves have bid a fond farewell.

Can you imagine a better feeling than watching your children enjoy each other?  From your preschooler making your baby erupt in giggles, or your two teenagers laughing and conspiring, to your grown boys joking and wrestling with relish. Nothing like it. Unfortunately, in addition to those times, and maybe even more common is your preschooler “accidentally” bumping in to the baby, teenagers bickering, or older bothers letting the other down. It is this intense combination of deep connection and deeply ambivalent feelings that characterize sibling relationships.

Think back to your own relationships with sisters and brothers if you have them.  Were they static? Is the way  you got along in elementary school the same way you relate now? Themes may be the same, but the actual relationships have probably gone through many twists and turns with loyalty and protectiveness as well as envy or guilt.

So why do people ask the question “Do your kids get along?” or “Are they close?”.  Our culture tends to frame things in back and white, rather than nuance. Inherent in that mindset is that there is one way or one answer, a close sibling or a bad relationship. Unfortunately, this thinking leads to parents feeling like they have either succeeded or failed. So let’s remember that most siblings have about seventy years to have a relationship. It will be full of everything: competition and adoration, hurt and comfort. Keeping that in mind, here are some things that these important relationships teach our children no matter how old they are.

Sibling relationships and rivalry are an opportunity to practice:

• Handling the coexistence of positive and negative emotions.

• Turning jealousy into admiration.

• Learning about sharing.

• Problem solving.

• Experiencing protective instincts.

• Healthy competition.

• Empathy.

Here are some helpful ideas that help parents support closeness and not further inflame natural jealousy:

• Divide and Conquer: spend time alone with each child or divide family time with each parent and a kid.
• Fair doesn’t always mean equal.
• The Buddha says: The cure for jealousy is celebration.
• Be aware of pigeon holing.
• You are not the judge and the jury.
• Teach your children to use “I” messages.
• Avoid micro-managing.
• Keep dialogue open about sibling rivalry.
• You as the enemy – a common bond.
• Don’t allow abuse.

Sibling relationships have and always will be complex.  The question is not whether your children have conflict – all do – but rather how you respond to the issues.  This is an opportunity for you as a parent to examine the place of your own sibling relationships in your reaction to your children.

Mornings are hard for families.  There is always so much to get done. The clock is ticking as mom, dad, kids – all need to get up and get going. The ‘Morning Rush’ can feel very hectic especially if you expect children to move at the rate of adults. By honoring the pace of children in the morning, you are more likely to walk out the door without feeling like a week has passed between 6:30 and 8:30 am.

While adults have big goals in mind, kids are living in the moment with their own smaller goals. Mushing the oatmeal, zooming the trains on the floor of their room, the water flowing from the faucet. Wherever they are in their morning, they are in the moment and unaware of the next thing to get done. Parents can experience this as dawdling, not listening, and of course sometimes it is. Regardless, keeping the child’s experience in mind while you keep your eye on the prize – getting out the door – helps the morning feel less like a battle.

Here are a few tips parents have found very helpful for pain-free mornings:

• Set your alarm at least 15 minutes before you need to wake your children or they would normally wake you.
• Get yourself up first and take care of at least one big task: make breakfast, hop in the shower, get the lunches made.
• Don’t let your kids drag you out of bed. You will end up rushed and impatient.
• Make getting dressed the first task for kids so that they are motivated to get it done and go have breakfast. Most fights happen over getting dressed.
• Don’t expect your young children to move the morning along on their own. They need you to shepard them through the morning.
• Make a list with pictures of everything that needs to get accomplished so you can ask your kids to check and see what they need to do. It encourages independence and ownership of their own self-care.
• Unless you have more than one and a half hours don’t use TV on a weekday morning – it creates more problems than it solves.

Remember to allow enough time, be ready yourself and don’t take it personally if your kids sometimes lose themselves in their teeth brushing or in selecting a book or toy to bring to school. Kids hate the rushing around that we get caught up in.

Attachment is a parenting “buzz” word.  Detachment is a Buddhist one. The combination of both is the dynamic duo of raising children. The western definition of attachment is a connection, a deep desire to care for, protect and be a part of someone’s life. It is the foundation of healthy emotional development.  Yet, attachment in the Buddhist lexicon has more negative connotations.

Attachment is like a craving. We hold on tight to ideas or things with the false belief that they are unchanging. We attach to moods, emotions, and phases as if they are constant and everlasting. This explains why we are blindsided by change, hopeless when things feel hard and get overly invested when things are going swimmingly.

Here’s an example:

Your child has been sailing into the classroom so far this year and says goodbye with a confident wave. You become “attached” to this phase and behavior.  The inner dialogue is self congratulatory, and you are flying high on the pride and gratification that comes from having an independent kid.

After your vacation, you walk into the classroom that first day back and your son is whiny and clingy. He doesn’t want you to leave. Your heart is pounding, your face is flushed, you worry “What’s wrong with him?” and “Why is this happening?”  Simultaneously you feel angry, truth be told, because your clingy, whiny kid is embarrassing. You finally peel him off and spend the rest of the day feeling sick with worry.

Detachment, in the Buddhist sense, means you have a separate observing ego talking you down off the ledge. The observer reminds you that all things must change, that being resistant to going to school is as common a phenomenon as loving to go–maybe even more common. The detached observer is not detached from your child, actually you are more tuned in because you are staying calm. Using detachment, you are caring for him by not escalating anxiety to the point where he believes that feeling hesitant to go to school one morning will become a major problem for his mother and therefore, him. Detachment approach helps you calm the choppy waters of your internal world so that your response is not reactive but helpful.

Don’t think for one second that this comes easily. Cultivating an attitude of detachment takes practice, practice, practice.  I wish I had this perspective twenty years ago when my kids were small. Since there is no lack of opportunities to practice detachment when you are raising children–by now, I might be at monk status!

Thank goodness it is never too late to start. The muscle of attachment/detachment in it’s wonderful east/west combination becomes stronger the more it is used. You are more grounded, less reactive and a much sturdier rock for your kids to rely on. So maybe there’s a movement here, “Detachment Parenting”?

At the Diner with Azalea

by Bethany Saltman

We sit in our booth.

She is 3 and I am 40,

so that’s the kind of conversation

we have: simple. A little contrived.

Across from us are two women,

of the same age, both a little rough, sad even,

probably lovers, for a long time. They open their menus

and one silently closes hers: the decision maker.

The other just isn’t sure what she’s in the mood for.

She just had a ham and cheese omelet yesterday

and the day before, too! So it is, she says,

as she closes hers.

Azalea and I argue over something.

Probably apple juice.

I keep kind of staring at the omelet lady.

I can’t help it. I’m intrigued.

Three days in a row is a lot of omelets!

Will she be happy with it when it comes?

My own body buzzes with that wild pleasure

of waiting for something I know I love.

So often it’s something salty

on a plate, but it could also be the warm, wide face

of someone who will share my burden. Or it could be

the quiet that barely exists when I walk into the house

by myself, unencumbered by people or tasks. Or the milky

pee smell of Azalea as she awakens from rest.

Alone—the meal, the husband, the house, or child—

they all turn on their own axis, filling their exact shape

in space. When we meet, it’s not that those bodies change

or enlarge to include me, but something happens between us

and it all disappears. And it’s that blank space

that I really long for between the pages

of every menu, on the brink

of every thing.

Kids snacking and having “treats” throughout the day has exploded in the last decade. The article  Snack Time Never Ends in the The New York Times, January 20, 2010 presents data that, “between 1977 and 2002, the percent of the American population eating three or more snacks a day increased to 42 percent from 11 percent.”

From 2002 to 2008, one needs only to look around the playground to know that the trend has increased. Food is ubiquitous and adults and children are presented with constant eating opportunities. Add in the generational fear and antipathy to saying no to one’s children and you’ve got haggling and caving going on all day long!

Ellyn Slatter, dietitian and family therapist, is quoted in the article, “The parents’ job is to do the what, when and where of feeding,” she said, “and it is up to the children to do the how much and whether of eating. In order to have successful family meals, you have to structure the snacks.” Her book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense, has long been one of Soho Parenting’s favorites.

Here are a few tips to curb snacking and unhealthy eating:

• Snacks should be given at “Snack Time”: A scheduled time and place and not on the run. As Slatter wisely says “End grazing.”
• A good snack is anything you would be happy to see on a child’s plate at a meal. Goldfish on the dinner plate? Fruit Roll up for breakfast? No?
• No more than 2 snacks a day.
• A snack and a treat are two different things. Treats are desserts, snacks are tiny meals.
• Keep “treats” treats by offering them less often.

With all of the angst and money spent on preschool it was inspiring to hear Paulina Bemporad’s story of starting her own! She is our guest blogger today and we greatly appreciate her contribution. Paulina is the mother of a 3 1/2 year old daughter and an entrepreneur living in Red Hook, Brooklyn.

Starting A Cooperative Preschool Morning Program by Paulina Bemporad

When my daughter was approaching her second birthday, I started inquiring about nursery schools in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn.  I was horrified to discover that all of the preschools and private programs for toddlers require you to apply a year before the child actually starts the program. Since she was turning two in June of 2008, I was supposed to apply in September of 2007!  I had no idea this was even an issue. I felt like I failed as a mother because I didn’t realize how ultra competitive and over crowded preschools are in NYC.  Like everything else, space here is at a premium so why should a nursery school program for two-year-olds be any different?!  So, I desperately applied to about 10 preschool programs in the Spring of 2008 for my daughter to attend the following Fall. All I received back were rejection letters and notices that she was placed on waiting lists.

I was so frustrated and I didn’t think I had many other options – until I received an email from a parenting blog in my neighborhood looking for families that might be interested in starting a bilingual morning program for toddlers called “Escuelita.” As a native Spanish speaker from a Colombian family, I was thrilled by the opportunity. I was one of five parents who went to the open house.  I was excited to meet the incredible licensed Montessori teacher and an entrepreneurial couple who wanted to create the program for their daughter because they were facing the same situation I was.

To make this happen, they offered their own apartment to host the program which would take place 3 days a week from 9 am -12 p.m.  They are very involved in the community and have their own business right below their apartment. They had a great vision and entrepreurial spirit to create something from the ground up. Like me, they were also very interested in giving their daughter a bilingual education and were extremely frustrated by the lack of opportunities to attend Spanish language programs in Brooklyn. So, they found a teacher, offered their home and invited other parents to join their vision of a Bilingual Montessori preschool right here in our neighborhood.  Over a few planning meetings, the teacher outlined the curriculum, defined the costs and all of the participating parents agreed to the cooperative structure. The group hired a lawyer, had contracts drawn up and we gave our deposits with signed contracts.

We started with 4 children in September 2008, doubled the number of students by January 2009 and today we have ten families. Given the cooperative vision and spirit of the program, the parents play an active role in supporting the school. All parents are asked to provide healthy organic, snacks on a rotating basis.  We all paid for school supplies.  And all of the parents and children gather about every other month for a potluck brunch in each other’s homes. We’ve really become a close knit community and now regularly join together for play dates, share babysitting duties and enjoy hanging out during the weekends.

The greatest benefit has been watching our daughter blossom intellectually and socially. The beauty of the Montessori way of learning is that each child participates in carefully planned “work” activities that suit their specific stage of educational development. The children work independently, join together in pairs and perform group activities like singing and yoga. Lessons revolve around practical life  skills (water pouring work that emphasizes gross motor skills and measurement); sensory skills (from dramatic play with puppets to working with geometric shapes in puzzles); math (working with numbers, counting objects); language (focusing on pre-reading skills, word sounds, letters in alphabet); geography/science (identifying countries on maps, continents on the globe, changes in season, living and non-living objects); and art, physical movement and yoga.

Escuelita is now in its second year and we’ve expanded the program to 4 days a week. Our teacher is looking for permanent space and next year we are planning to expand to a full-time, 5 day-a-week structure. Our experience has been amazing and we feel extremely fortunate to have been a part of the founding and growth of a superb educational program for our daughter.

Based on our experience, here are my five tips for starting a cooperative preschool program:
1. Find a talented, experienced teacher
2. Invite like-minded parents who are willing to be actively involved
3. Find an appropriate space (be sure to consider NYC educational requirements and codes)
4. Develop a clear vision, educational philosophy and guidelines for teacher and parental roles
5. Be flexible to adapt and improve the program over time

Here are some great links to learn more about Montessori education:

The Montessori Foundation

The Wonder Years

Homemade Montessori

Montessori Story

A Montessori Classroom

Montessori Services