Healing our “Connective Tissue” by Carrie Krawiec, LMFT

Yogis have long known the healing power of turning into oneself and deeply stretching one’s muscles and ligaments — while also stretching one’s mental focus, tuning out the static and noise of the world outside. This practice, thousands of years old, has far-reaching physical, mental, and spiritual benefits for the individual, and it fosters a sense of community and fellowship for the group.

In Yin Yoga class, practitioners hold nonmuscular poses to delve into connective tissue, healing joints, tendons, and ligaments. Recently, the instructor said in a slow, smooth voice, “There is a reason why there are only 10 of you here this morning.. We live in a society that does not value turning into ourselves, focusing on our values, or taking the actions necessary to facilitate our intentions.” How true. We live in a culture that instead turns out or tunes out; we turn to iPads and smartphones to get relief from daily burdens.

Perhaps this observation resonated so deeply with me because, as a marriage and family therapist, I often see the breakdown of “connective tissue” in individuals, couples, and families. No one is shocked to hear that Americans have the highest rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and obesity in the world. Turning out and away from our burdens naturally leads us to seek relief from outside. This temporary relief may come in the form of food, alcohol, prescriptions, hours spent on Facebook or Farmville, gambling, shopping binges, or infidelity. Such activities damage our “connective tissue” to our unique values and intentions — and prohibit us from taking the actions to reach our goals. Likewise, these activities also damage the “connective tissue” of our relationships with those we hold closest.

Just as the practice of yoga can be strenuous and challenging, the practice of turning in to ourselves will likely be painful and difficult at times.

Just as yoga helps the body to melt away soreness and tension, shifting our focus to our true values and needs will help to ease the emptiness and anxiety that often cause us to look for external solutions.

Whether it’s within the practice of yoga or within the context of the individual or family, the act of turning inward involves behavioral, emotional, and cognitive adjustments.  An initial — and rudimentary — behavioral change is simply to turn off everything electronic. Silence the radio and cell phone on the way to work, and ask your child to turn off his iPod or DSI. The silence will help you hear your own worries, questions, intentions, and goals — and those of your child or partner.  Emotionally, make an effort to be patient, positive, and open, both with yourself and others. Leave denial, defensiveness, judgment, excuses, criticism, resentments, and competition at the door. Remind yourself of what you admire about yourself or your child/partner.  What are your/his/her strengths? As you gain strength, you may consider asking yourself,  “What can I learn from this? ” or “What is my part in this problem? ”

As we begin to heal the “connective tissue” in our bodies and our relationships, we can hope for a society that is more sensitive to the needs of the individual and the community. If we look inward for solutions, we can aspire to be part of a society with less substance abuse, mental illness, divorce, violence, and crime.

Read more: http://addictionrecoveryreality.com/healing_connective_tissue.html#ixzz1LaYKgzvV

by Lisa Merlo Booth

•    Listen to your gut. Too many women ignore their instincts.  We need to learn how to tune into that voice that tells us something is off.  If something feels off, it usually is.  Check it out, don’t tune it out.  In my experience, this voice is usually right on—even when others swear it’s not.  (Note:  the only caveat to this is if you tend to be suspicious, jealous or untrusting to begin with.  If this is the case, then you need to get more data and ask yourself if your jealousy is at work here or are the facts supporting your suspicions).

•    Ask for what you want, not what you think you’ll get. Too many women base their requests on what they believe the other person will be willing to do.  Your requests should be based on what you want—that’s why they are called requests.  Do not dummy down your request because you don’t think the other person will want to fulfill it.  Ask for what you truly want and then celebrate the yeses you get and learn to accept the nos.  If the nos far outweigh the yeses, decide how you want to handle that imbalance and then step in and speak to it.

•    Share what you want to share, not what you think others want to hear. If a loved one asks you how your day was or something similar, share about your day if you want to.  Don’t silence yourself because you think the other person won’t be interested.  Speak about what you care about and know that if the other person cares about you, s/he will be happy to listen.  (Note: this, by the way, goes for you, too.  You need to listen to what others choose to share — even if it’s not something you’re excited about hearing).

•    Be authentic, not “nice.” I’ve seen countless women lie to friends, lovers, parents and kids under the guise of being nice.  Believe it or not, lying is not nice—even when you do it with the best of intentions.  Telling your girlfriend you’re sick and can’t go out to dinner because you want to go out with someone else is not being a nice friend.  Be honest, not fake.  If you can’t be honest, then, minimally, be neutral…but don’t lie.

•    Speak directly. If there’s something you don’t like, stop stewing about it and, instead, discuss it.  Trust me, you will feel much better, even if the conversation doesn’t go well.  When we hold things in, we pay the price.  We end up holding the unspoken stress in our bodies and then get sick, depressed or worse.  Nobody — and nothing — is worth that.  Be determined to speak directly—and respectfully—about issues from the start.  The more you deal with things directly from the beginning, the less baggage your relationships will have…which can lead to the end.

Everyone has blind spots. They are unconscious conflicts from the past that creep up on us unexpectedly and influence reactions we have and decisions we make in the present. They are a normal part of the human experience; pockets of feeling or behavior that are hard to explain or understand, and which seem to control us.

In the course of parenting, we all hit up against these blind spots. Something in our child’s behavior or stage of development triggers an overly intense reaction. We may know that we are “over-reacting” but do not know why. Left to our own devises these areas can become repetitive patterns of negativity in our relationship with our child. At Soho Parenting we help parents learn to identify their own blind spots so that they can untangle the past from the present.

Jeff sits in my office looking sheepish as his wife Tina, frustrated and angry, talks about why they have come for some help. She complains that Jeff continually undermines her attempts to control the wild and often disrespectful behavior of their four-year old son Gabe.

“It’s like having 2 children,” she says in exasperation, “I cannot stand to be the only parent. He just cannot say no to him.”
“I’ve tried to be stricter”, says Jeff, “but I hate it when he gets so upset.”

In trying to understand more about why saying no is so hard for Jeff, I ask him to talk about his own upbringing and early experiences of discipline. Jeff looks uncomfortable and then starts to talk haltingly about his own strict and overly harsh father. He describes him as cold and quick to anger, with little patience for childish behavior.

“My father was always flying off the handle. He wanted us to be like perfect little adults. If I didn’t hang up my towel after a bath he’d freak.”

Jeff has sworn that he will not repeat this treatment with his own son and in these first four years he has been very successful in being a warm, affectionate and available father to Gabe.

So where is the blind spot? Jeff has not been able to see that his old hurt from childhood has been keeping him from entering into an arena of parenthood that is critically important for a growing child’s health and development. Discipline. Not the harsh and punitive kind, not the arbitrary and scary kind, but the kind of discipline that teaches you how to be respectful and gives the feeling of safety that comes with knowing that your parent is the adult and will keep you from getting out of control. It was easy for Tina –and anyone else for that matter– to see that Jeff was not providing the stabilizing function of a strong but loving parent. But for Jeff, who was unconsciously avoiding setting limits for fear that he would “become his father”, couldn’t act on his son’s need for boundaries.

Jeff really understood and felt this connection in the session. He knows now that he needs to actively counteract his worry about “becoming his father” and step up to the challenge of being Gabe’s father. He was thankful for the concrete advice about discipline; having a real game plan was reassuring. TIna felt validated and more hopeful about being allies instead of adversaries. A blind spot uncovered and a path made clearer!

For all parents, raising children confronts us with our inevitable vulnerabilities. If we use these discoveries as an opportunity for growth, we can take more control of our behavior, and be more the parents we want to be.

This article first appeared in A Child Grows in Brooklyn

By Lisa Merlo Booth

It’s amazing how easy it is for us to stay in the same family role we played when we were children.  Perhaps you were the peacemaker of the family and still find yourself trying to keep the peace among everyone.  Some people are the family scapegoat, forever seen as the troubled or irresponsible one.  Still others are the quiet ones, who just try to stay out of the line of fire.

Regardless of the role we played years ago or how much we’ve changed since then, our families have an uncanny ability to pull us back into our old roles and patterns like no one else in our lives.  We could have been working on ourselves for years and then — wham — we see our families and we’re right back to being that little girl or boy again.

Part of this phenomenon happens because, no matter how much we’ve changed, we tend to act the same as we always did when we get back to our old home turf.  It’s as though we become that young child again – the one who has to throw a tantrum to be heard or has to silence to feel safe or…

The reality, of course, is that this re-enactment truly is not the case.  We can choose to be different with our family, just as we can choose to be different with anybody else in our life.  All it takes is a conscious decision to not play by the old rules, good boundaries and healthy self-esteem (not an easy task, I realize).  We need to decide how and who we want to be in this world and then have the courage to be that person regardless of the audience.

In my own life, I am the youngest of five children.  Naturally, I was seen as the baby of the family.  I played that role well for many years, until I finally realized that it didn’t fit me anymore.  As I began to step up in my interactions with my family, I began to change that story.  I didn’t need to cower in the presence of my father or have everyone do things for me that I was able to do for myself.  I could share my opinions, set limits and speak honestly and confidently about what was going on for me.  As I began to step up, I started to break through the chains of my old family role.  Although, I’m sure there are times when my old role creeps back, it feels really good to not be acting like a nine-year old every time I go back home.

I constantly hear stories about raging fathers who are still hotheads in their 70s or mothers trying to micromanage their adult children.  Whatever the issue is with your parents or siblings, remember that you’re no longer that nine-year-old who had to just take it.  You are a grown adult who is responsible for taking care of yourself and your family—even if that means setting limits on your own parents.  Break the chains of your old family role and have the courage to have an adult relationship with your family.  Set limits when you have to, share your opinions when you choose to and make requests when you’d like to.  Take all of these actions with a centered, powerful strength that is always respectful.

This post is for the guys. Want to make your wife feel loved, taken care of and appreciated? One very simple way is to finish whatever household jobs you begin to completion. A task done fully and completely is an act of loving kindness.

After decades of meeting with mothers the same refrain is constant, “If he would just do the whole job, I would be so happy!” Translation: If you are supposed to empty the dishwasher, empty it and put every last thing away. Do not leave a pile of tupperware on the counter for her to do. If you are making a snack for the kids, put the peanut butter and jelly away and wipe the breadcrumbs from the counter. If you are bathing the baby, go back to the bathroom and empty the tub, put the used diaper in the garbage and put the dirty baby clothes in the hamper.

This may seem trite, but it is not. When a wife comes in to a fully emptied dishwasher, a cleaned up kitchen, or a drained tub she feels loved, thought about, appreciated and relieved. If you were counting on her making dinner and only the salad -no main course- was prepared, how would you feel? If she was supposed to bring your suits to the cleaners but never picked them up, what message would that send to you? You would feel burdened, frustrated, unappreciated. I guarantee it.

So here is a clear road map to less conflict, more team work and love: Always finish the tasks you start at home. It is an easy way to show how much you care and believe me, won’t go unnoticed!

This is a piece from Straight Talk 4 Women, Lisa Merlo Booth’s new blog dedicated to helping women in relationships. Enjoy!

I hear endless statements of self-sabotage from women every day:

•    I’m not very smart
•    I don’t have the energy to change things.
•    I don’t have any control of the situation.
•    I don’t have any options—I have young children and I don’t work.
•    My boss is a jerk but at least he pays me.  I have to put up with his treatment.
•    I’m fat; I’m ugly; I’m…(fill in the blank)
•    I don’t know what I think

Stop thinking about all the things you can’t do, don’t know or can’t change and start trusting your instincts, your abilities and your strength.  Things may be hard, you may be scared and those around you may be hurtful, AND… you can create change if you so choose to.

Change starts with you and you alone.  If you feel trapped—figure out the obstacles and do what you need to do to chip away at them (find a job, see a therapist, start exercising etc.).  If you don’t like how you look—take steps to take better care of yourself (exercise, eat healthy, cut your hair etc.).  If your boss is a jerk and you need a paycheck—start looking for other jobs and start having your back on issues that won’t jeopardize your job.  Begin to send a clear message that it’s not okay for your boss to treat you mean.

If you’re feeling stuck, start looking at what you’re doing or not doing to keep yourself in that position.  Stop telling yourself all the things you can’t do and begin to look at all the things you can and have done.  I’ve yet to meet any woman who has done nothing and seriously doubt that you are incapable either.

The only way to have healthy relationships is for you to be healthy in them.  Get yourself healthy and stop sabotaging your success and your life.  You deserve better than that and only you can give yourself better than that.

Challenge: Pay attention to all the negative messages you give yourself and how they keep you doubting yourself and playing small.  Every time you hear these messages step in and fix them.  Refuse to allow your brain to attack our success.  You have the ability to create change all by yourself; stop telling yourself you can’t and instead start stepping up.

You thought  you were done with junior high school. Then you had a baby.

Now the worries about being invited to play dates and birthday parties has begun.  What about serving anything with white flour when friends come over when you neighbor only has organics? The not-so-subtle competition for the most “advanced” child, who takes more classes, which preschools accepted you. It is enough to cause a nervous breakdown.

Mothers in our groups are really feeling the pressure out in the world and it cuts into their enjoyment of motherhood. In many ways, motherhood seems to have become a competitive sport.

The only antidote is remembering that healthy self-esteem is feeling that you are no better, or no worse, than someone else. We all have the same essential worth. Working toward not feeling smug because your baby is talking a lot, or believing you are a terrible mother if you don’t make all your baby food is the goal.

All this competition is just a reflection of how worried parents are about doing a good job. So give yourselves and your peers a break. Practice healthy self-esteem.

**

Here’s an example. One of the things that we have been wrestling with lately is kindergarten. For now I would like to set aside the complex and fraught socioeconomic/political details of public v. private school, and just say that the questions concerning Azalea’s education, and whether or not we would even entertain the idea of sending her to a private school, brought up a wave of such deep confusion in me it was actually stunning.

As I have mentioned here before, I grew up in a pretty hands-off house. Grammar school…please…I just walked there, suffered alone at my little table, then walked home. Middle school? Were there books in that building? In high school, I won my one award for anything in my whole life, ever, in Mr. Martel’s Biology class: Most Talking During Filmstrips. I wasn’t even planning on attending college until my even-then professorial friend, Stephen Jost, who spent senior year slumming it with me in the back of Mr. Norris’s English class, said, “B, you should go to Antioch.” Lucky for me, Antioch was a truly “self-selecting” institution, meaning—if you want to come here, and you are not currently in rehab or jail, welcome! After my first semester, which was a continuation of my hang out, smoke, read, and resist life, I plugged into something new and found myself wandering around the beautiful 1850s Ohio campus, holding my head, wondering, Woaaaa, what’s that strange sensation? And then it hit me: This must be what learning feels like. And what do you know? I kind of like it!

Where were my parents during all this?

This article first appeared online in Chronogram Magazine, May 26, 2010.

Here is some sensitivity training about divorce. To say divorce is provocative is an understatement.  Though approximately 40% of couples divorce, people experiencing divorce can still feel like an outcast. It is common for friends or acquaintances to fade away and seem uncomfortable around you – as if it were catchy.  Married friends are often frightened by separation. “If that could happen to you maybe that could happen to me,” clangs in their heads. Out of this insecurity some friends feel compelled to wax on about how great their marriage is, lessening their capacity to be supportive.

On the other hand, your divorce may cause jealousy. Your new freedom, a sense of liberation and empowerment, new romantic partners – it’s enough to drive a moderately unhappily married friend insane. Those people may want to live vicariously through you, or judge you because of the way your new life makes them look at their own.

There are of course, friends who are there through thick and thin and can manage their reactions. Acquaintances can surprise you with incredible empathy and support.  So remember, for the divorced and married alike — try not to judge and be aware of your reactions.  Life takes unexpected turns and if we can support each other the journey is much, much easier.